Dusty Pages
by Himizu-chan
Summary: A mysterious bookstore can travel to worlds described in novels, anime/manga, movies, or TV shows within its walls. Four "normal" humans are trapped in the store and along for the ride. To make matters worse, they're saddled with a strange curse. They will wreak havoc wherever they go and the characters they meet and team up with will never be the same. Ch 13 is Red vs. Blue
1. Introduction

_A/N: For anyone who has read any of my other fics, I need to put this note in here so no one gets confused. Even though the fic does feature some of my usual OC's (Himizu, Ryouko, and Risu), this story doesn't take place in the same universe as my other fics. So even though the same basic personalities are there, the OC's don't know each other, don't know the other fictional characters, don't have a mansion in the fifth dimension… in other words, I have transported the basic character outlines to this new world that I have drawn up around them. So that is why Himizu does not know Risu or Ryouko and this takes place in a completely different setting than previous readers may be used to._

_Also, in case you weren't paying attention to the rating, this fic has been rated M for Mature… for a good reason. Risu is my muse, which frankly is a fantastic choice to get me to write things, but a terrible choice if you don't want to read innuendos and sex jokes every few pages. It starts out pretty light, but it does get a bit more graphic, especially around chapter 15 or so, and I ended up deciding to change the rating from T to M to save myself…which Risu then took as permission to become an even bigger pervert. Not that I should complain since I have a pretty bad moment myself around chapter 25 or 26 or something... So I'm warning you right now that this happens. The characters also curse A LOT. Like, epic amounts. So there's that small problem with rating too… Furthermore, if you are offended by Sasuke (from Naruto) being portrayed as gay and also having frequent implied sex with another guy, just leave. Just leave right fucking now because it happens a lot, and people will probably want to kill me, and then I'll get pissed because I put this warning here so it shouldn't be a surprise, okay? Also, don't flame me about the way that Pengin is portrayed. He is the incarnation of one of my real-life close friends and I am not exaggerating his character in any way. Just about everything has been pre-approved by Pengin himself, so any messages you send regarding how I treat him will be laughed at with as much derision as I can muster because if he's not offended, then you shouldn't be offended for him._

_Now, for the two people that are left reading these warnings and haven't been scared off, prepare to enjoy yourselves! There is mystery! Action! Suspense! Romance! And lots and lots of humor! Have fun reading this, and please review! I had a lot of fun writing this fic and it's nice to know when my work is appreciated. Or when it's not, that's fine too, but just keep in mind that I did warn you._

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Chapter 1: Introduction

The light was fading into a dusky sort of twilight when Himizu arrived in one of the many little towns populating the Midwest. With her worldly possessions next to her on the seat of a Greyhound bus and the memories of a half-finished college degree and an empty bank account hanging over her head, she was trying to "find herself" as young people are wont to do when things aren't going quite right. She had gone as far as she could on what was left of her money and now she needed a job if she wanted to go any further. Stepping off the bus, her eyes darted about, searching for a source of cheap food. But before food could be found, her eyes stopped on that most holy of stores: Borders. Like a person in the desert who had found an oasis, she moved quickly towards the store, fingers itching to caress the covers of new books. But just as she reached the door, a fat ancient man with a long beard and a wicked grin stepped out and locked the doors behind him. His nametag said that his name was Kuma.

"What are you doing?" Himizu cried, running up to him.

"What's it look like I'm doin'? I'm closin' fer th' night!" the old man said.

"But… but… you can't do that! It's only seven!" Himizu exclaimed.

"I can do what I want! 'S my store!" Kuma yelled.

"Well…well… then I'm going to that bookstore over there!" Himizu cried, pointing to an old rickety building across the street. It looked as though it might collapse if there was a strong wind and the windows were streaked and grimy. The faded sign announced that the store was called Dusty Pages.

Kuma's eyes widened. "Ye don't wanna go to that there store! It's haunted!"

"Poppycock!" Himizu exclaimed, choking back the more profane word that had first sprung into her mind. Best not to give the senile old geezer a heart attack, she decided.

"Don't say I didn't warn ye…" the plump 90-year-old man growled. "Come on then. I may 's well pay a call on Miz Risu."

Himizu followed excitedly. A supposedly haunted bookstore might prove entertaining for a little while at least. Long enough to forget the dull ache in her stomach, and the even duller one in her brain whenever she tried to think about what had gone wrong in her life.

Kuma walked up to the door and pushed it open. A bell rang softly above them, announcing their presence to the store. A woman at least as old as Kuma came running out from behind a nearby bookshelf wielding a giant mallet.

"Kuma, now you die!" she yelled, beating the crap out of him with the mallet. Himizu ignored the noise and flying dust as she stared around the store. Dust motes danced delicately in a faded sunbeam that peeked through one of the dirty windows. The whole place seemed to radiate peace and happiness. Himizu had never felt so safe, comforted, or at home. The old woman kicked Kuma's battered form out the door, ignoring his shouts of protest, then dusted off her hands and turned back to Himizu. "You like it here?"

"I could LIVE here!" Himizu gasped.

"Would you like a job?" the woman, who Himizu had guessed must be Risu, asked with a smile. Was that a hint of malice in her smile? But the store felt so safe… Himizu suddenly heard herself say 'Sure!' Risu's smile widened and Himizu felt just a bit of foreboding.

"Excellent. Are these all your things?" Himizu glanced down at the two small traveling bags and laptop case, and gave a half-hearted shrug. Risu gestured for her to leave her things behind a desk and follow her. "I provide all my employees with food, lodgings, and anything else they happen to need," she began.

"That's very generous of you!" Himizu said, delighted.

"Well, your salary won't be very high to compensate, but in the end I think you'll come out ahead. Come on, I'll introduce you to your coworkers. You know, my family has owned this store for generations and I'm the first one to need to hire outside help…" she mused sadly. "Oh well, c'est la vie." With that, Risu led the way to the inevitable coffee shop that all bookstores are required to have (except Half-Price, but they are still wonderful!). Manning the register was a guy with black hair that was long in the front and poofy in the back, and with piercings in his lip and nose. He wore tight black clothes and an abundance of gothic-looking silver jewelry. Despite being very emo-esque, he was still the best-looking guy Himizu had seen in months.

"Who's that?" she asked.

"That's Pengin. He's the gay guy that runs the coffee shop," Risu replied.

Cue Anime fall.

"Oh come on, is it really that surprising that he's gay?" Risu asked.

"Good point…" Himizu said, looking again at the VERY tight clothes, the carefully styled hair, and more jewelry than she'd ever worn in her life.

"Ryouko's upstairs. They're my only employees besides you. Your job is to help customers find books, movies, a quiet place to read, whatever they need."

"Okay… how is everything sorted?" Himizu asked, fully expecting the tour to continue.

"You'll see." The old lady suddenly turned and walked away. Himizu collected herself and tried to follow her, but Risu had vanished. Himizu looked around, thinking she would go to the coffee shop and pry some information out of Pengin. But the coffee shop was gone too! Confused, the girl turned, looking around the store. Suddenly the three floors lined with rows of books didn't seem so friendly. Spotting the stairs, Himizu dashed over and hurried up them. A quick glance confirmed that the coffee shop was nowhere on the first floor. Panicking, Himizu turned and started running between the rows of shelves and ended up crashing straight into another girl who was carrying a stack of books.

"Oh! Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! I… I wasn't paying attention! Are you okay?"

The other girl looked at her. She was a friendly-looking girl with a messy blondish brown ponytail and she didn't seem too perturbed about being run over.

"I'm Ryouko," she said. "You must be new here."

"How… how did you know?" Himizu stammered. She realized at the same moment that she'd known as soon as she saw Ryouko that the girl was a fellow employee.

"I dunno… I just know, you know? So Risu roped you in too, huh? Well, it's an easy job. The store's pretty empty a lot of the time, and the free room and board and everything is cool. I'm glad there's someone else here now. You can't talk to Risu for any length of time and Pengin can be annoying. Wanna go get some coffee?"

"Um… I guess… but I don't really have a lot of money…"

"Free food, remember? And that includes the coffee shop. Come on, it's on the third floor."

"But… it was on the first floor when Risu showed me around…"

"Yeah, well it moves, just like everything else around here, except the employee area. That's always on the third floor, right in the center of the store.

"Excuse me, I don't think I heard you right. Did you say that everything moves?"

"Yeah. You might want to move, that bookcase is going to crush you."

Himizu hesitantly took a few steps, then froze as she felt the bookcase brush against her back as it changed locations.

"What the hell?" she yelped. Ryouko shrugged.

"Don't worry, it doesn't usually do this while regular people are in the store. This place is just special. In a day or two, you'll know when something is going to move. You'll get used to it. Come on." She led the bewildered Himizu to the staircase heading to the third floor, and when they reached the top, there was the coffee shop in all its 'glory', and there was Pengin wiping down tables. He looked up as they approached.

"Ryouko! Hi!" he exclaimed. "Hey, you're the new person, aren't you? What's your name?"

"Himizu…" she said faintly.

"Risu didn't tell her that everything moves," Ryouko explained.

"She told you? She never told me… crazy old bat… My first day on the job, I'm just making coffee, minding my own business, and then, whoosh! Suddenly I'm on the opposite side of the store. But I'm used to it now. Want a cookie? Something to drink? Anything?"

The girls sat down and Pengin hurried to get treats. Placing drinks in front of the girls, he helped himself to a cookie and started talking shop with Ryouko. After a few minutes, Himizu asked, "Why aren't you having any coffee?"

Pengin and Ryouko exchanged glances. "I can't drink anything," Pengin told her. "It's my curse."

"Your curse?" Himizu repeated in disbelief, visions of witchcraft and devil worshiping dancing through her head.

"Yeah. You'll find out what yours is within a week. The store will find the perfect curse for you."

Himizu's blue-gray eyes widened behind her glasses. Incredulous, she looked to Ryouko for confirmation.

"It's true. My curse is that I can't watch the TV in the break room. It always looks off to me. I haven't seen any of my shows in months! I miss Lie to Me! Wahhhh!" she started crying.

Himizu stood up. "This is insane. I'm outta here," she said and walked off down the stairs. Pengin and Ryouko followed her to the top of the stairs and watched her go. As Himizu reached the first floor, a young child of about five jumped out in front of her. The child slapped Himizu with a rubber chicken.

"You're not allowed to leave!" the child exclaimed, laughing maniacally.

"What do you mean I can't leave? The door is right there," Himizu protested, fending off another chicken attack.

"I didn't say you couldn't leave, I said you're not allowed to leave," the child told her.

"Uh, whatever you say…" Himizu said, forcing her way past the child.

"Want to know what happened to the last guy who tried to leave?"

"No… not really…"

"Well, too bad! Shotgun!"

At the child's word, a shimmery silver figure materialized, slowly forming a young man dressed in a baggy sweater, with thick glasses and shaggy hair. The ghost looked at her, opened its mouth to speak… and Himizu was running away just as fast as she could, hitting the door at a dead run. Then, as though she'd run into a giant slingshot, Himizu was catapulted back into the store, momentum carrying her up the two sets of stairs, and colliding her into Pengin and Ryouko. The child cackled again.

"I told you!" she shrieked devilishly, then turned back to the ghost. "Wedding." The ghost vanished and the child ran off, still laughing.

Himizu pushed herself to her knees as Pengin and Ryouko sat up. Himizu was trembling. "Who was that guy?" she whispered.

"The ghost? His name was Wasser. He worked with us, and he was always obsessed with breaking the curse," Ryouko said, her voice hushed.

"What happened to him?" Himizu asked.

"We don't like to talk about that…" Pengin muttered. "Would you rather hear a joke? Two gay guys walk into a bar…."

Ryouko slapped her hand over his mouth. "Will you shut up? Tell some new jokes once in a while, I've heard them all thousands of times."

"Can we talk to him? Does he know how to get us out of here?" Himizu asked, feeling a surge of hope.

"We can summon him, but every time Ryouko and I try to communicate with him, Risu shows up and banishes him again," Pengin explained.

"What? How is that possible? How does she know?" Himizu demanded.

"She knows everything that goes on in the store. It's creepy," Ryouko said.

"And who was that little girl?" Himizu asked.

"That was Risu," Ryouko told her. "You didn't know? She can change her age."

"That's not possible."

"It's her curse. Her ages changes spontaneously. Mostly you see her as a 20-something, but we've also seen her as an old woman, a little girl, or a middle-aged woman."

Himizu sat back down on the floor, looking as though her legs would never support her again. "So I'm stuck. I'm stuck here in this creepy store where things move around, I can't leave, there's a ghost of a former employee wandering around, and we're all cursed?!" she cried, her voice reaching a hysterical pitch.

"That about sums it up," Pengin said. He looked at the clock. "Omigosh! It's ten till three! I gotta get to the coffee shop!" he yelped, hurrying off. Himizu looked quizzically at Ryouko, and was surprised to note that the girl was quivering with excitement.

"Every weekday at five minutes till three, this guy comes in. He's the most gorgeous guy on the face of the earth and he comes in, buys some coffee and a pastry, and leaves. But it's the best five minutes of our day!"

Himizu blinked. Ryouko grabbed Himizu's arm and dragged her to the coffee shop. Himizu didn't bother to resist, but she was beginning to wonder if they would ever do any work…

At precisely five minutes till three, they all heard the distinctive 'ding' of the door being opened. Moments later, HE walked into the coffee shop. Himizu was impressed, for the young man was everything advertised. He was like a Greek god with short blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, and such a perfect figure. He was most certainly one in a million and Himizu quickly realized that she would join Pengin and Ryouko in worshipping this man.

The Greek god walked up to the counter. Pengin smiled at him. "Hi! Can I help you?"

"Large coffee and a croissant," the Greek god responded, barely glancing at Pengin. His beautiful eyes swept the room briefly, scarcely caressing Ryouko and Himizu. Then, without acknowledging either girl, he turned back to Pengin, staring right through him as he took his croissant. Pengin poured the coffee and handed it to the Greek god. Their fingertips touched and Pengin seemed to perk up, but the Greek god didn't react at all.

"See you tomorrow," Pengin said brightly. The Greek god nodded and left, barely glancing at the girl standing at the entrance to the coffee shop. She was short with brown eyes, glasses, and a pixie haircut. She looked at the Greek god, then walked into the coffee shop and up to the counter.

"You know, he's got a wedding ring," she told Pengin. He started strangling her.

"Shut up you idiot! You so did not have to tell me that! Now you've killed my fantasy!" he yelled.

Himizu's eyes widened. "Should he be doing that?" she asked.

"Why not? Nezumi is pretty much an employee here… she knows almost as much about this place as Pengin and I do. She wandered in here one day to buy a book and she's never been able to find her way out. She's pretty much stuck in here."

"What do you mean 'she's never been able to find her way out'? The door isn't that hard to find!" Himizu exclaimed.

"How is it that everything in the store moves and all the employees are cursed? Don't ask questions, you'll just make your brain explode. Anyways, it's not so bad. Come on, I'll take you on a tour. Risu may not care, but you'll be more useful if you know your way around." Ryouko grabbed Himizu's wrist and led her off to explore the store.

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_A/N: So the Greek god… is based on a real person, shockingly enough. Risu, Nezumi, Pengin, and I were at a chocolate store getting drinks and chocolate when this guy walked in and he was HOT! So hot… I could never do him justice by trying to describe him. We were all standing there checking him out for several minutes. And of course, Nezumi had to point out that he had a wedding ring and Pengin got mad at her for killing his fantasy… and now it's in the fic! What do you know? Oh, and yes I know Borders doesn't exist anymore. But it was still around when I started writing that fic and I loved that place so I'm not changing it, even if the one by my house is now a fucking DSW… seriously, we got rid of an amazing bookstore for a bunch of fucking shoes? (No, I'm not a normal girl… why would you ask such a retarded question?)_

_Also, yes I'm aware that I haven't introduced any characters from TV shows/books/movies/animes/manga/etc. but believe me when I say that this setup chapter will make it all worth it and that there will be PLENTY of characters and encounters that will more than make up for this. Remember, introductions are important!_


	2. Criminal Minds

Disclaimer: I do not own any TV shows, books, movies, animes, manga, or videogames that I may reference throughout this fic, or any characters therein. The only things I own are my OC's, the bookstore, and the plot of this fic. Reviews make me happy, and maybe it will encourage me to get off my butt and finish writing this fic before my posts catch up!

Chapter 2: Criminal Minds

"So there's the DVD section, there's a stereo system in here because Risu loves blasting music, you've seen the coffee shop, there's all the study areas, and I already briefed you on the sections in the bookstore, that leaves only one thing left to show you, and that is the break room." Ryouko was climbing the stairs to the third floor as she spoke. "There's also a basement but no one really likes to go down there, not even Risu. I'm pretty sure there are graves down there or something."

Himizu twitched. She was liking this job less and less, but she had to admit that the store was beautiful. Even though it was three stories and very large, the low ceilings, crowded floor space, and antique furniture gave the place the small closed-in feeling of a homey family-owned bookstore. Ryouko pulled out a silver key and unlocked a door marked "Staff only." They stepped in and Himizu's jaw hit the floor.

"This… is the break room?" she gasped. "It's… huge… it's like a whole house…"

"This is the main room where we hang out," Ryouko gestured to the room that looked like it could easily hold thirty people. There was a 120-inch screen TV and a state-of-the-art sound system with a whole wall covered with shelves holding movies and games for an Xbox 360 and a Wii, as well as several suede and leather couches lined with the softest pillows and fluffiest blankets Himizu had ever seen. She could also see a pristine kitchen lined with cabinets that were no doubt stuffed with food.

"That's Risu's room," Ryouko said, pointing to a door to the left of the kitchen. "We're absolutely forbidden from going in there. We've been warned that our fate will be far worse than Wasser's if we do," Ryouko said. Himizu gulped. Ryouko continued the tour. "There are three bathrooms out here and Risu has her own private bathroom," she said. Himizu peeked in and saw luxurious white sinks trimmed with gold, and shelves filled with sweet-smelling shampoos and other products. There was a shower, a toilet, a nice-sized counter area around the sink, and a large tub big enough for ten people. They walked past a laundry area, and came to two doors.

"These are the bedrooms. Right now Pengin and I have our own rooms, but you and I can share, I don't mind. This is our room." Himizu nearly fell over when she saw the giant closet, and at least ten neatly-made beds with elegant blankets draped over them, and the many little amenities like pictures and knickknacks that make a bedroom feel like a home instead of a prison cell. "There are quite a few other small rooms with a couple beds apiece and a bunch more closets but since there are only three of us, I don't think we need to worry about them too much," Ryouko said. Himizu only nodded dumbly.

"This… is fantastic… Why is there so much space though if there are only a few of us?"

'I have no idea, it's always been like this. Risu said something once that made me think the store used to be a lot smaller, but when I tried to ask her about it, she just ran off screaming about green sheep, so I have no idea when or why the renovations were done."

"Odd… Oh well. This is so nice, I'm amazed Risu even pays us."

"Yeah, about that… she lied to you, we're not paid."

"WWWWHHHHAAAATTTTT?!"

"Well think about it… what do we need money for? We can't leave. Besides, Risu makes sure all our needs are met."

"Good point… I guess… goddamnit!" Himizu punched the nearest wall. "Why the hell does she do this? Is this some sick fetish of hers, trapping people in her funhouse?"

"Because she's crazier than a shithouse rat… and she enjoys the suffering of others. This is a game to her."

"I don't believe this… Ryouko, we have to break this curse!"

"Oh, don't start that… After what happened to Wasser…"

"You can't possibly tell me you enjoy it here? Have you forgotten what the normal world is like?"

"Well no, but… really Himizu, you haven't experienced the wonder of a place like this… it's… well, you'll see eventually. Now come on, let's close up shop."

Himizu shrugged and followed Ryouko, who quickly taught her what needed to be done. Pengin turned off the coffee machine and gathered up the leftover pastries and brought them back to the break room where they all snacked while watching TV. Himizu took pity on Ryouko and began describing the episode of The Daily Show they were watching. Finally they went to bed. Ryouko and Himizu chatted a bit more before they fell asleep, though Himizu had several frightening dreams of being chased around the store by bookshelves that wanted to crush her.

The next morning the shop looked very much the same. Himizu was surprised to find that she could actually predict when the shelves were going to move and she now had an instinctive knowledge about where Ryouko and Pengin were at all times. Risu still popped up unexpectedly, but Himizu was beginning to suspect that no one understood the crazed woman fully. As she wandered up and down the aisles, she saw a book with a black cover decorated with what looked like bloodstains. Curious, she opened the book. Her blue eyes widened with shock. The letters swam across the page and for all the sense they made to her, they might as well have been Chinese characters. She slammed the book shut and grabbed the next one, but the result was the same for that book, and the next one, and the next, and the next. She heard laughter, turned, and saw a middle-aged woman wandering about in the Science Fiction section. Himizu started to walk towards her, but suddenly realized that the middle-aged woman had the same crazy gleam in her eye that Risu did. Himizu realized that this _was_ Risu, and made tracks for another part of the store, hoping to find Ryouko to tell her about her sudden lack of ability to read books. She was so nervous and preoccupied that she crashed right into a young man with messy longish brown hair who was wearing a nerdy sweater-vest.

"Oh gosh! I'm so so so sorry!" Himizu yelped, quickly grabbing the man's books from the floor and holding them out to him. "I wasn't paying attention, I'm so…. What the hell? Are you…?"

"Oh, uh…. Dr. Spencer Reid," the young man said, smiling nervously as he took his books back from the girl.

"I… I don't understand!" she yelped.

"You must be new here. I've never seen you here before," Reid continued. "I come here every now and then to find studies on serial killers. This store has one of the most extensive collections I've ever seen."

"Uh… yeah, I'm new… but… how often do you come here?"

"Not very often, just whenever I think about it… funny enough, I never seem to think about it unless I'm standing right next to the store…"

"I… …" Himizu was dumbfounded. How could one of the main characters from Criminal Minds be standing in front of her? She grabbed Reid's arm and dragged him after her, ignoring his splutters of protest. She was further stunned to see Rossi nearby flipping through an old looking book with a dull red cover and faint gold printing embossed in it, but she couldn't deal with this now. One Criminal Minds character was plenty. Realizing Ryouko was in the break room upstairs, she scampered up the stairs.

"Would you please explain what you're doing and where you're taking me?" Reid exclaimed.

"Shut up, you're fictional! I shouldn't even be able to see you, let alone hold your arm or talk to you!" Himizu yelled, still sprinting up the stairs. It was all the nerdy profiler could do to keep up with her. Himizu reached the door and threw it open. "RYOUKO!" she screamed.

The girl was standing in the kitchen with a glass of lemonade, which she nearly dropped when the sound of the other girl banging in startled her. She sat the glass down on the table next to her and tried to compose herself. "Himizu, what's wrong? Why are you dragging Dr. Reid around by his shirtsleeve?"

"I… what? You know him?"

"Yeah, he comes in now and then. Hi Reid, sorry about her, she's new and she's a little excitable. Sit down and rest Himizu, breathe in through the nose and out through the teeth." Himizu did so, making soft hissing noises as her breath squeezed through her teeth. Ryouko sat down across from her and Reid stood nearby, his natural curiosity getting the better of him. "Now, what's wrong?"

"Okay, first of all I opened a book and all I saw was gibberish! It was like the letters were in a foreign language!"

"You sure you weren't in the foreign language section?"

"YES!"

"Okay, okay, just making sure… Well, maybe that's your curse… That's what lured you in here in the first place, right? Your love of books?"

"Yeah…"

"Yeah, it's probably your curse. Sorry. But I can read books to you since you're being so nice and describing TV shows to me."

"But... But how am I supposed to work…? Ok, never mind, we'll deal with this later. Now what about him? What's going on here?"

"Well basically the store kind of has this thing where it moves into different worlds from books, movies, and TV shows that we have in stock here in the store. So we can interact with any characters that choose to come in here."

"Really? That's… that's actually really cool… Does this just happen randomly?"

"Of course…" Ryouko sighed. "If it were planned, I would go visit Case Closed or Prince of Tennis…" She sighed in despair. "Oh, and also the interior of the store will change to match the natural area of the world we're visiting, which can be incredibly cool."

"Hm…" Himizu muttered. "I wonder…"

"Wonder what?"

"If we can use these worlds to our advantage and break the curse."

"Oh, not this again!" Ryouko exclaimed. "Can't you accept that you're stuck here and try to enjoy the ride?"

Himizu shook her head stubbornly. "I can't help it, I don't like being forced into this against my will!" A thought struck her. "Wait a minute, why don't the people from these worlds get trapped in here like the rest of us?"

Ryouko shrugged. "To be honest, I have no idea… a lot of people have wandered through since I started working here. And the way that employees are hired is weird too. I mean, I didn't even know Risu was planning to hire someone until you showed up, and you just walked in the door and she offered you a job. There's never been a Help Wanted sign… it's like Risu chooses us for some purpose that we don't know about… or the building is the one that chooses…"

Himizu shivered. The thought of the building doing these things terrified her. It made her uncomfortable enough being stuck here against her will at the hands of a crazed squirrel, but the thought that it was the building itself choosing to hold her…

At that moment, five-year-old Risu burst in. "What the fuck?! Goddamnit Ryouko, you know better than this! No one except the employees are allowed in this fucking area! How dare you disobey me?!" The infuriated girl started whaling on Ryouko with a rolled-up newspaper.

"What the hell? Kids shouldn't use that kind of language!" Himizu exclaimed as she and Ryouko both fought to control the enraged child. As she grabbed the girl's tiny arms, Himizu noticed a tattoo on Risu's right wrist. Closest to her hand was a symbol that looked like a sideways A. Below it was a circle with an X through it. Ryouko saw it at the same moment and they exchanged puzzled glances.

"Risu-san?" Himizu said finally. "What are these tattoos of?" The tiny girl looked down at the tattoos, then steam started pouring out of her ears.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE ASK ME ABOUT MY TATTOOS YOU WRETCHED EMPLOYEES! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT!" the girl screamed, pulling out a shillelagh and hitting them both with it as hard as she could, she turned to run away with her usual maniacal laugh, but then Pengin walked in.

"Hey, there you all are. I wondered why I heard yelling up here… plus no one has come to visit me and I was getting pretty lonely. Hey, does anyone know where the milk is? I need to bake some more donuts. Those FBI profilers sure like their donuts," he said brightly.

"The milk is in the fridge, baka," Ryouko said, rolling her eyes.

"Oh yeah…" the young man said, walking in.

"STOP, DAMNIT! Don't close the fucking door!" Risu screamed, but it was too late, the door had already clicked shut. The tiny child flew into a rage, stamping her feet and screaming with the blind fury of a child throwing a temper tantrum. "Stupid stupid stupid motherfucker! I told you not to close the fucking door, but you just wouldn't listen! Goddamnit, you stupid son of a bitch!" Pengin's eyes widened at the random assault.

"Jeeze, sorry Risu-san, please calm down, this isn't the end of the world."

"Shows how much you know! Goddamnit, now I have to put my plan into action sooner than I intended! Damn you, damn you, damn you to hell!" she screamed, throwing open the door and storming out. Pengin, Ryouko, Himizu, and Reid all poked their heads out the door and saw that they were no longer in a modern-type Washington DC. Instead they were in an old-fashioned wooden building in a rural area that appeared to be from a past era.

"Well… this is interesting…" Reid said finally.

"That's one way to put it…" Himizu said, shaking her head. She turned to Ryouko and Pengin. "Please explain."

"When all employees are in the break room and the door is shut, the store moves on to another world," Pengin said finally.

"And apparently that also applies to anyone else who is in the room when we all are," Ryouko added, glancing at Reid. "I didn't know we could do that, did you Pengin?"

The young man shook his head. "Nope, didn't have a clue. Of course, Risu has always been really strict about not letting us bring characters into our private quarters…" He muttered something angrily under his breath, which the rest of them ignored.

"So you've never had anyone in here when all three of you were here? Ever? Seriously? How uncreative are you people?" Himizu exclaimed.

"Well, Risu gets really pissed off whenever we spend too much time talking to any of the characters instead of working…" Ryouko muttered. "So this is the first time we've had this opportunity. And it's all your fault since you didn't know the rules!"

"I wonder if that's why Risu is so mad?" Himizu mused. "This could also prove useful… now let's go see where we are."


	3. Naruto and Vampire Games

Chapter 3: Naruto and Vampire Game

The four started walking down the steps when suddenly there was a noise and several ninjas darted across the tops of the bookshelves, which were now made of bamboo.

"So where are we at?" Himizu demanded.

"Not sure just yet, but I'm guessing the Naruto world," Ryouko said finally.

"What fun…" Himizu muttered. She barely stifled a yelp as Naruto, Choji, and Rock Lee came barreling through, leaving a trail of floating papers in their wake.

"HEY! DON'T MAKE A MESS, GODDAMNIT!" Ryouko screamed after them. "Damn ninjas…"

"Oh come on, not all of us are bad." They all turned around to find Kakashi reading one of his Icha Icha Paradise books.

"And how are you not bad?" Ryouko grumbled. "Perv…"

"Well, I won't harass any of you. I'll just make incredibly dirty jokes whenever I see the opportunity."

"Speaking of dirty stuff…" Ryouko muttered, looking to a point above and behind Himizu and Reid. They turned and saw a nin in the shadows. He leapt forward and landed beside Pengin.

"Hey you. Been a while since you've been back here," the nin said, looking into Pengin's eyes.

Pengin hugged him tightly. "Sas-gay! I missed you so!" he exclaimed, drawing the nin into a kiss. He was surprised to be pushed away.

"Yeah, yeah, save it. You took off without a single word of farewell. You think we're going to pick up right where we left off?"

"Well yeah… It wasn't my fault I had to leave…"

"Really? I'm supposed to believe that?"

"It's the truth!"

Sasuke scowled. "There are others, aren't there?"

"No! I swear!" Pengin exclaimed, tears filling his eyes. "And even if I did meet someone else, there would always be room in my heart and in my bed for you at the same time!"

Sasuke brightened a little. "Really? Threesomes you say? Well as long as I can be top, I guess I'm okay with this."

"I hoped you would be," Pengin said, throwing his arms around the nin and kissing him. This time Sasuke didn't pull away.

"Alright, we'll let you lovebirds continue your touching reunion… wait, that didn't come out right…" Ryouko paused, looking confused.

At that moment, Risu came running in with a large sack that was twice her size thrown over her shoulder. How she was able to run weighed down by the giant bag was another question altogether. "Alright, back to the break room, now people, move it!" she yelled at them. Ryouko and Himizu glanced at each other and then looked for Pengin and Sasuke, but the boys were nowhere to be seen. So they headed to the break room with Reid on their heels. They got to the door, closed it, turned around, and fell over when they saw Kakashi sitting on one of the couches still reading his book and looking as relaxed as though he had been sitting on that couch for hours. Ryouko wandered off and came back to report some (ahem) noises coming from one of the closets, so now they knew where Pengin and Sasuke were. This meant that no one knew what world they would find themselves in the next time they opened the door.

Risu's bedroom door flew open behind them and the girl stood there with her most psychotic smile on her face. "Guess who I nabbed!" she yelled. She reached back into her room and yanked forward Gaara and Kiba. "They are my new minions! Gaara is security and Kiba is my pet!" she said as she snapped a leash on him.

"Whoa, dominatrix!" Kakashi cheered from the couch. Risu stared at him, rage clearly building.

"WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK IS HE DOING HERE?! HOW DARE YOU BRING ALONG MORE PEOPLE?!" she screamed at Ryouko and Himizu.

"We didn't bring him, he was sitting here on the couch when we got here!" Himizu protested.

"A likely story!" Risu yelled, clearly furious. "We don't need a perv like him around!"

At that oh-so-convenient moment, the closet door opened and Pengin and Sasuke came tumbling out. Risu looked at them and correctly surmised what they had been up to.

"Great, just great… this is just what we needed…" she snapped. "Gaara, come on!" she yelled, marching out the door, dragging poor Kiba along behind her. "Our quota for stereotypes was already filled, now I have to fill out a bunch of paperwork, damn Arizona laws!"

"What is she talking about?" Himizu asked. Ryouko shrugged.

"Hey, when it comes to her, your guess is as good as mine."

"Wait, if Pengin and Sasuke snuck off like this last time you were in this world, why didn't he get stuck before?"

"Last time Risu was a lot more… uh… _aggressive_… about checking for extra people before shutting the door. She caught Sasuke here one time and both of us saw way more than we wanted to see. I'm scarred for life, but Risu was already corrupted as hell before we got here, so she was fine."

Ryouko, Himizu, and Reid left the break room and walked around trying to figure out where they were this time. When they spotted a figure with waist-length silver hair pulled into an elegant braid, the girls glanced at each other and sprinted after him. Reid started to follow, but someone clapped a hand over his mouth and dragged him off in a different direction. Next thing he knew, he was sitting down at a table across from a middle-aged woman that he realized was Risu.

"Hello Dr. Reid. We need to talk."

"About what?" he asked.

"About my employees. I fear that they are dangerous serial murderers. They commit crimes because of the belief that by doing so, they will be breaking a terrible curse."

"You mean the curse of the bookstore?"

"It's an unbreakable curse and I've told them this, but they think that by committing these ritualistic murders, they'll be able to escape. There's no escape though. I'm trying to protect them from themselves and stay one step ahead of them, but they know I'm out to stop them and I can't get close enough to learn their secrets. Will you be my eyes and ears and report back to me what they're doing?"

Reid's eyes widened. This was one of the strangest cases he'd ever heard of. The girls were clearly delusional if they thought committing some murders would free them. Plainly there was only one course of action.

"I'll do it. What should I do first?" he said.

"First, never let them see you talking to me or they'll know you're working with me to stop their horrible plan. Second, try to sabotage them when you can… give them wrong answers to questions and things like that. Can you handle that, Dr. Reid? The safety of a great many people may rest with you."

Reid shivered, realizing what a grave responsibility rested on his slender shoulders. "You're right, I have to help you! I have no other choice!"

Risu's smile widened. "Good boy. Thank you for the help. Now go do your job. And remember, secrecy is important."

Reid nodded solemnly and hurried off to find the girls. He couldn't help but strut a little since he was so pleased to be helping with such an important assignment.

Meanwhile, Ryouko and Himizu had caught up with the silver-braided figure. It was Yujinn from Vampire Game. And he was paging through the ancient-looking red book that Himizu had seen Rossi looking at. He looked up and saw them.

"Hey there girls," he said. "Are you employees of Lady Risu?"

"We are indeed," Ryouko said with a small curtsy to the royal prince. Himizu did the same. He smiled at them both.

"This book is rather fascinating, it has the most elegant symbols. See, these here are actually ancient Phoenician symbols… they predate even the Greek alphabet. In fact, the Greek alphabet is based off of these letters and many writings honoring the Greek gods still used this lettering. I had no idea that Lady Risu was so interested in Greek mythology."

The girls looked at each other. "Unless we have both totally missed something…" Himizu said, glancing at her coworker for confirmation.

"…Risu has no interest whatsoever in ancient Greece or the mythology. All she cares about are squirrels, destruction, and the suffering of others," Ryouko finished.

Yujinn looked surprised. "How odd… these symbols are so unusual, I find it hard to believe she could have encountered the symbols that make up the tattoos on her arm in any other way. This is the first book I've ever seen with these symbols in them and I'm the most well-read person in Pheliosta."

"Really?" Himizu asked. "Could you possibly draw them for me? What do they mean?"

"Certainly," Yujinn said, smiling at her, his eyes raking over her body and Ryouko's. "Such lovely girls, how could I refuse?" He picked up a quill pen and scrawled the sideways A and next to it wrote the words 'aleph (alpha).' Then he drew the circle with the X inside it and wrote the words 'teth (theta)' next to it. "Alpha is the first letter of the Greek alphabet," he told them, writing a number 1 next to, "And theta is the seventh letter," he finished, writing the number 7. "Why are you interested in this?"

"I'm not sure yet," Himizu admitted. "But who knows, it could be helpful. Thank you so much for your help, Sir Yujinn," she added, curtsying gracefully. Yujinn smiled.

"I was happy to help," he said, cupping her chin in his hand and lifting it so she was looking up into his eyes. "As I said, I love to do favors for lovely ladies," he added, leaning towards her as though he were going to kiss her. Ryouko had just started to step forward and interfere when they all heard a loud squeal.

"What fresh hell is this?" Himizu yelped, jerking away from Yujinn. Ryouko pointed towards the other side of the store.

"It came from that way, come on!" she yelled. They all took off, even Yujinn. Himizu had the presence of mind to fold up the parchment Yujinn had given her and slip it into the pocket of her jeans.

They all screeched to a halt at the other end of the store. There stood a tall young man with broad shoulders and a buff chest, but a tiny waist and long dancer's legs. He had his dark hair pulled back in a neat ponytail and he had an odd symbol that looked vaguely like an eye on his forehead. Next to him was an incredibly lovely blonde-haired woman wearing a silvery evening gown. Pengin and Sasuke were standing with them and Pengin had his hands clasped on the woman's shoulders.

"You are by far the most convincing cross-dresser I have ever seen in my life!" Pengin exclaimed. "And trust me, I've seen a whole lot of them! I've done it myself too, but _you_! You are perfect! Oh my god, you have got to give me tips! How did you get your hair so silky and soft?" he added, running his hand through the golden tresses. "And this dress! It's form-fitting, that's obvious, but… god, you've got curves and everything! Please I'm begging you, you have to tell me how you did it! God, I could just eat you up!" Pengin's hands were now wandering down the woman's sides, down her waist, down her hips, and…

"Don't you touch Seiliez there!" the man yelled, an aura suddenly glowing from his hand.

"Pengin, I appreciate that you want to have a threesome and all, but I have two problems with this. First, are you _positive_ that's a guy, not a girl? Second, this other guy doesn't seem keen on it," Sasuke muttered. "In fact, I suggest we run like hell."

"Laphiji, stop, he didn't mean any harm!" the one named Seiliez yelled, putting himself in front of the man's attack. It was too late for him to completely stop the attack, and although Seiliez escaped serious injury, his dress was ripped rather badly, especially in the chest area, proving that he was (contrary to all appearances) a man. Laphiji immediately enfolded Seiliez in his arms.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just lost my temper… Come on, we better get you home, you can't be out with the dress ripped like that," he murmured, holding Seiliez tenderly and pressing a chaste kiss to the blonde's forehead.

"Here, he can take this jacket," Pengin said, pulling out a leather jacket that looked like it would be skintight on him. "Keep it, I have others, and this is my fault anyways... though I would really like those beauty tips sometime."

Seiliez grinned and put the jacket on. It fit on his slender frame almost perfectly and Laphiji was clearly pleased with the result. Laphiji looped his arm around Seiliez's waist gently.

"Thanks. Sorry about that," he muttered to Pengin, and the two were walking out of the store. Himizu sighed.

"They are so cute together. But really Pengin, did you have to?"

"I know, I know, sorry…" he muttered. As they talked, someone else walked into the store. This guy had attractive dark hair that stuck out around his head like a lion's mane, giving him an aura of power. He was dressed in _extremely_ tight black pants and a black shirt with a black jacket thrown over top.

"Shit, it's Lassen," Yujinn muttered.

"LASSEN!" Himizu and Risu both screamed. They flew forward and took as many photos of him as they possibly could, in a variety of model-type poses. Finally Himizu threw her arms around him and hugged him till he thought he would suffocate. He glared down at her and blasted her with his powers, then fled. Yujinn followed, hoping to stop whatever evil plan Lassen had on his mind at the moment. Ryouko and Pengin ran to check on Himizu, but she was just fine, despite being slammed into a wall.

"What do you think, did the store save me?" she asked dryly?

Ryouko shrugged. "Anything's possible. Come on, let's go back to the break room." So they went upstairs. Risu went to her room with Gaara and Kiba, Pengin and Sasuke retreated to god knows where, Kakashi kept reading his book, and Ryouko, Himizu, and Reid watched Futurama. Then they all went to bed and wondered where they would end up the next day.

A/N: Yes, I know that Laphiji and Seiliez were raised as brothers and everything, but a) they aren't related and they know it, and none of the three princes of La Naan even act like brothers anyways, and b) their relationship was canon, goddamnit, and I support it completely!

As for Sas-gay… well, Risu monologued about how he was gay with Naruto to me for almost an hour a while back, and long story short, the girl convinced me that he's gay… Then Pengin was talking about how attracted he was to Sasuke and wished he was real, and then, well, light bulb! Bwa ha ha ha. And if you were offended by any of this, you should seriously just stop reading right now because it's just going to get worse (aka more Pengin/Sasuke slash, more perverted remarks from characters, more innuendos… the whole nine yards). Plus my dear friend Doom Kitty (yes, she's named after the cat in Ruby Gloom, just because that is fantastic) has been given the title of Queen of Slash by me and Risu. She is incapable of writing het, and she spends her time reading aloud to us from various slashy fanfics or pointing out how people in movies or on TV are so gay for each other, and has happily continued to corrupt both of us (which we did not realize was possible), so… let's just say that she can be an influence as well. So for your own sanity, if you didn't like this, leave! Run! And don't flame me later if you think I'm getting too perverted because I WARNED YOU!


	4. Leverage and Yu Yu Hakusho

Chapter 4: Leverage and Yu Yu Hakusho

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the TV shows, movies, computer games, animes, mangas, or any other sources of media I may reference in this fanfic, or any of the characters that I borrow for my nefarious purposes. Mwahaha!

Ryouko and Himizu cautiously opened the door to their room. Since they had no way of knowing what type of world they were in or where Risu was, they knew that silence was key. They had spent hours discussing the tattoo on Risu's arm and what the significance could be, not realizing that Risu had planted bugs in their room and had been eavesdropping on them. (Also not realizing that her bugs were literally bugs… hissing cockroaches to be precise. Hissing cockroaches that could hiss in Morse code. But we will let them be ignorant for now.) Now they went downstairs and realized that they were somehow in Boston.

The girls made their way into the coffee shop where Pengin and Sasuke were working behind the counter. As the girls took cups of hot chocolate, the door opened and five people walked in. Himizu had to restrain herself from prostrating herself at the feet of the Leverage cast. (No joke… best show ever!)

Nate, Sophie, Eliot, Hardison, and Parker walked in, ordered drinks and pastries, and sat down at a table near Ryouko and Himizu. The girls gave the evil eye to the guys behind the counter and the boys obediently moved away from each other and kept from being too overtly perverted. Then they listened to the Leverage people talk.

"Well now that we've taken care of our latest client, I guess it's time to start looking for another one," Nate said.

"Oh, Nate, do we have to?" Sophie pleaded in her lilting accent. "You've been promising us a vacation for months. I hear Paris is lovely at this time of year. Please Nate?"

"Sophie…" he grumbled, unable to meet her eyes since he knew very well he'd melt under the gaze of those liquid brown orbs.

Ryouko and Himizu put their heads together. "We could use Parker to help us escape from this place, I can feel it," Himizu hissed.

"I'm still not totally on board here, but okay, fine…" Ryouko said. "I've even got the perfect way to get her to come with us, as long as you don't mind Hardison tagging along."

"Are you kidding? Without him, we'll never be able to control Parker. We need him."

"Okay. Watch and learn, my dear girl." Ryouko pulled out a copy of the new World of Warcraft expansion pack Cataclysm and started walking past the table. As she passed through Hardison's line of vision, she flashed him a come-hither smile and revealed the corner of the Cataclysm pack, just enough to show Hardison what is was without being terribly obvious. Hardison was on his feet with a second.

"Excuse me guys, I…. I'll be right back. You go ahead and make a decision without me," he said, walking swiftly away from them, following Ryouko. Himizu hid a smile as she subtly kept an eye on the group as they stared after Hardison. Parker frowned after him.

"Where does he think he's going?" she asked aloud. She watched him go, then jumped up and started after him. "Hardison! Where are you going?" she yelled. Nate clapped his hand to his forehead.

"God, my team is scattering… damnit… Eliot, go get them! We need them here now! People are counting on us to take another case!"

Eliot sighed and brushed his long dark hair out of his face. Himizu had to fight to keep from swooning. Eliot stood up and strolled off in the direction that Hardison and Parker had taken off in. Himizu waited a few seconds, then stood up and followed the little group. Nate and Sophie looked around and Nate leaned back in his chair.

"Well nothing to do but wait until he drags them back in here by their ears. I could use some more coffee, what about you?"

"Yes, another cup would be lovely," Sophie drawled. Nate stood up, turning towards the counter. He was surprised to see that the boys that had been behind the counter were no longer there, but a black shirt was now draped over the counter…

Ryouko had pulled out a laptop and Hardison was drooling over the new World of Warcraft pack. Ryouko looked around, wondering if their plan would work. Reid sat on a nearby couch with a quizzical look on his face. Risu's bedroom door was still closed, and no one had seen her, Gaara, or Kiba since she'd snatched them yesterday. Ryouko heard a noise from the back of the living area and started walking towards the closet doors, then her eyes widened. As she backpedalled away, trying to make her brain forget the terrible things she had just heard, Parker stormed into the room.

"Hardison, what the hell are you doing in here?" she demanded.

Hardison jumped up, making every effort to keep his eyes from wandering back to the computer screen. "Parker! I… I… uh… I was…. I was just…"

"Whatever, it doesn't matter, come on," she snapped. She turned around when Eliot stalked in.

"There you two are! Damn! I knew you liked each other, but I didn't figure you would sneak off to the staff break room to find a private closet. Though it looks like you made the right choice, there seem to be plenty of choose from."

"Yo, man that was totally uncalled for. I'm only here to use this World of Warcraft expansion pack this nice lady is showing me. Parker followed me for I don't know what reason," Hardison exclaimed.

"Why would we want to go to a closet anyways? Do these people keep money in their closets?" Parker asked.

Eliot stared at her for a moment. "You… are not normal," he told her. "Now come on, both of you. Nate wants us back downstairs pronto." He turned around, only to see Himizu standing at the door.

"Hey Ryouko! Is Pengin here?"

"Yeah," Ryouko said twitching slightly. "He's… well… come on, where do you think he is?! Don't make me spell it out!"

"…I don't wanna know. And Risu?"

"In her bedroom. With Gaara and Kiba…"

"So we're all here, good," Himizu said, slamming the door behind her.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" Eliot exclaimed. Himizu hugged him.

"God you're so hot. I can't stand it!" she exclaimed.

"Get off me, you nut!" he yelped, moving towards the door.

"You can go out the door, but I warn you, don't close it. Who knows where you'll end up while we keep going," Ryouko told him. He stared at her, confused.

Meanwhile, in the Leverage world…

Nate and Sophie looked around. The store had become ice cold, then slowly returned to room temperature. They knew at once that the owners were gone… along with their teammates.

"Well now what?" Sophie asked finally.

"Paris?" Nate suggested finally.

"Hm… I like that. We can go shopping… on your credit card." Sophie smiled disarmingly and Nate rolled his eyes and sighed.

Meanwhile, Eliot was still standing with his hand on the doorknob. He turned and looked at the two girls. "What do you mean you don't know what world I'll end up in?" he asked.

"Look, it's a long… really long… story. Just please trust us on this… stay with me or Ryouko, or in the break room, at all times so we can keep you from getting lost in a world that isn't your own," Himizu pleaded.

"Why did you bring Hardison here anyways?" he asked, choosing to leave off the world part for the time being.

"Well to tell the truth, we really just wanted Parker… and it seemed like the best way to get this done was to bring Hardison here and have her follow. Having you here is just an unexpected bonus!" Ryouko explained happily, though she wasn't nearly as excited about this as Himizu.

Eliot looked confused, and Himizu took advantage of that by looking over at Ryouko. "Hey, by the way... do you know what happened to Kakashi?"

Ryouko frowned. "Come to think of it… I have no idea where he is. I wonder… do you think we accidentally left him in the Leverage world?"

"Maybe… oh well, what do we have for dinner? Do we have any more macaroni and cheese?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, thanks for asking… I feel the love… you bakas…" Kakashi was standing in the kitchen with his arms crossed, glaring at them.

"Oh, hey Kakashi," Ryouko said pleasantly. "Where were you?"

"I was in one of those back rooms reading my book, but Pengin and that baka Sasuke are making too much noise. So I came out here."

"Oookay, TMI…" said Hardison. "What do you want Parker for anyways?"

"Well we have a feeling we'll need a thief at some point. And she's the best."

"Well, you do know something…" Hardison said. At that moment, Risu burst into the room. She skidded to a halt when she saw the three new people.

"What the hell? Hardison? Parker? Eliot!" She hugged him "Would you like a job? I could use some extra security. Or if you don't like that… we could really use a cook! Pengin can only make pastries, Himizu can only make macaroni and cheese, and Ryouko burnt water the other day… which admittedly was pretty impressive, but not good to eat… so we really need someone who can cook well. Plus it seems the number of people living here is growing larger every day, and if this keeps up… we're gonna need a professional."

"Umm… okay, I guess it'll give me something to do until we get home…" Eliot said finally.

"Fantastic!" Risu exclaimed. "I can't wait to see what you make for dinner tonight!" she added as she opened the door and skipped out. Ryouko and Himizu waited only a few moments before they followed her out the door. They still didn't know what they were looking for, but they were pretty sure they weren't going to find it in the living area, so they went out.

As they walked through the gardening section, they saw a familiar-looking redheaded guy reading one of the books. Ryouko let out a surprised yelp. "Kurama?"

He looked up. "Yes? Do I know you?" he asked politely.

"Not yet, but we'll change that. Hey, you're a really smart guy… we could use you on our team," said Himizu. Kurama stared quizzically at her.

"I'm afraid I don't understand…" he said finally.

"Well, see, it's like this…" Himizu began, but before she could start explaining, Ryouko turned and ran off screaming at the top of her lungs.

"HHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEIIIII IIIII!"

Himizu spun around and found her coworker just as the girl picked up a certain short angry fire demon and lifting him up over her head as she dashed off towards the living area. Kurama looked startled.

"Uh… um… hey… where are you taking him? I think I should do something about this… we were going to go get our Halloween costumes later… I'm going as a gardener and Hiei is my garden gnome..."

"Seriously? That… is the strangest thing I've ever heard you say… ever… and I've read (and written) a lot of weird fanfictions in my days," Himizu said. "Alright, I'm a nice person, I'll show you where Ryouko's taking him." They went upstairs and found Ryouko, who had somehow escaped being mangled by Hiei. She was sitting next to him and Reid on the couch. As Kurama walked in, Pengin and Sasuke appeared. Pengin saw Kurama and Hiei, and clapped his hands excitedly.

"Oh look at you two, aren't you cute! You should join me and Sas-gay in the closet!" Kurama and Hiei looked disgusted and freaked out. Ryouko threw a water balloon at Pengin and he started freaking out because she messed up his perfect hair. Then she pulled out a shillelagh and whacked him on the head.

"They're not gay, retard!" she yelled at him.

"Itai!" Pengin whined. Risu suddenly stormed out of her bedroom and snatched the shillelagh from Ryouko and stalked back to the bedroom. Gaara and Kiba peered out confusedly before Risu walked in and slammed the door, cutting them off from everyone else again. Suddenly Himizu realized that all the employees were in the living area again.

"Well shit… we're gone again… are we ever gonna stay in one place for more than 15 minutes?"

Ryouko shrugged. "Does it matter? I told you, the curse is unbreakable."

"Bullshit. There's a way to break the curse, and I'm going to find it or die trying."

"Don't say things like that, it's happened once before, it could happen again."

"I'll take my chances," Himizu muttered grimly, going into the kitchen to help Eliot make dinner.

A/N: This chapter was originally written before Cataclysm was released, so the implication was that Ryouko had some kind of bootlegged advance copy that Hardison wouldn't have been able to get otherwise, thus the reason he was so easy to trap.


	5. Bones

A/N: So I'm not really sure if anyone's reading this... No one has reviewed this or alerted it or anything... So, yeah, I kinda forgot about posting this for a while... I'm gonna keep posting this because let's face it, I've put a lot of effort into writing this, but updates would be more frequent if someone would occasionally remind me it existed...

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the store and my OC's.

Chapter 5: Bones

The next morning, Himizu woke up and instantly sensed someone moving around. She knew Ryouko would still be asleep, and the only other person who was supposed to be in the room was Parker. Remembering what type of person her newest roommate was, she quickly opened her eyes and looked around. Almost the first thing she saw was Parker rustling through the nightstand next to Ryouko's bed.

"Parker, what the hell are you doing going through our stuff?"

Parker spun around and Ryouko woke up abruptly. "What do you mean 'our stuff'? I was looking for… tissues… and I thought Ryouko had put some here," Parker stammered.

Himizu laughed. "Parker… Give me a break. If I know you as well as I think I do, you've already been through my stuff. And you may as well know that neither of us have any money. Risu doesn't pay us."

"No… no money? What?!" Parker cried, looking completely devastated.

"Sorry," Himizu said with a shrug. She yawned and got up and walked to the door leading back to the living room. When she got to the door, she turned around. "By the way, you should really consider dressing as a World of Warcraft night elf."

"Uh… why would I do that?"

"You'd look cute. Put on some fake long ears, a dark-colored wig, and some really sexy yet dangerous-looking outfit… good thing Pengin is gay or he'd be all over that." Parker stared at her in confusion. Himizu grinned. "Think about it," she said and walked out into the living room.

Eliot was already cooking breakfast and, not surprisingly, Hardison was sitting at his laptop, playing World of Warcraft no doubt. Himizu sat down next to him and turned on an episode of Ninja Warrior. She looked over at Hardison. "You know, you should wear a money suit sometime."

Hardison looked over at her. "Why the hell would I do that?"

Himizu grinned. "Oh, I dunno… maybe cuz some cute little blonde would really like to… uh… bow chicka bow wow."

Risu's bedroom door slammed open and she flew out and whacked Himizu on the head with a Church action figure. "We do not say that phrase here! That's the devil's phrase!" Then she ran back into the bedroom and they heard a strangled yelp from Kiba and muffled argumentative-sounding noises from Gaara. Himizu stared quizzically at the door, shook her head, and went back to her room to put on actual clothes instead of pajamas.

Eliot stepped away from the stove. He had made some truly delicious-looking pancakes (chocolate chippy goodness!) and he wanted to call people to taste them while they were still hot and yummy. At that moment, the pancakes suddenly became sentient and decided that the best thing to do was to DESTROY THEIR MAKER! So they attacked Eliot, covered him with flour, and threw him onto the frying pan. They had been cooking him for about a minute before he was able to truly comprehend the situation and he started punching them. This made large holes in their soft doughy bodies, but it did nothing to slow them down. So Eliot grabbed the syrup and an epic battle commenced, but in the end Eliot won (of course!) and the somewhat mauled pancakes were defeated. Eliot realized that many people were expecting breakfast so he tore the pancakes up into tiny pieces, soaked them with syrup, and threw them into bowls so that all the people had pancake slop goulash for breakfast.

Everyone came in and ate the pancake slop. Risu walked in, snatched three bowls, then looked around. "What the hell happened to the kitchen?" she demanded, taking in the signs of the epic battle. Flour covered the floor and counters, milk was splattered on various surfaces, and there were a couple of eggs sticking to the ceiling. Bits of chocolate clung to the walls and stove. In short, the kitchen was a disaster of epic proportions.

"Long story…" Eliot said, bracing himself for her questions.

"Oh… these are pancakes right?"

"They're supposed to be, yes."

"That explains everything then." And Risu turned and walked out of the room. Eliot stared at her, then turned back to everyone else. They were all innocently staring down at their plates and eating.

"So what, are you all just gonna pretend like nothing happened?" he asked them.

"Well, what do you want us to do?" Ryouko asked. "This has happened before. Pancakes are evil. Delicious, but evil."

"…..Well I'm not cleaning that up. I've been through enough trauma for one day."

"Fine. We're not cleaning it up though," Himizu said, gesturing to herself, Ryouko, and Parker. Pengin and Sasuke were nowhere to be seen, having eaten quickly and left. Reid tried to make himself invisible while Kurama, Hiei, and Kakashi glared, promising death if Eliot even thought about making them clean. That left Hardison, but Eliot was more than happy to make Hardison do work.

"Hardison, clean it up," Eliot said.

"What? Why?" the geeky guy asked.

"Because I said so. This is revenge for all the times you've hung me out to dry by either not noticing that I'm trapped in a room with guys that want to kill me, or just plain not giving a shit if I beat up all the people I was supposed to beat up; plus all the times you've made fun of me for relying on violence so much; and finally if you don't do this, I will break that laptop."

"Whoa, be cool man, no need to be so nasty about it," Hardison said. "I'll clean up after I'm done eating, okay?"

"Fine," Eliot snarled.

As soon as it became clear that the guys were done arguing and the fun was over, Ryouko, Himizu, and Parker headed out to the main part of the store. It appeared that they were in modern Washington DC. As the three girls wandered through the store, the door opened and Himizu nearly fell over. It was several people from the Bones cast! Dr. Brennan instantly headed towards the section about classical languages and symbols and Booth, Cam, Angela, and Vincent Nigel-Murray followed her; Hodgins went off to find books about bugs, Sweets went to find psychology texts, and Ian Fisher headed to the section with gothic literature. Himizu grinned.

"This is a dream come true. I wonder what they're doing here!" she exclaimed to no one in particular. She crept over and heard them discussing something earnestly.

"So no one has any idea at all what that symbol could be?" Angela asked.

"No, not really. I think it's some kind of Greek symbol but it's been years since I've seen any," Brennan said.

"Great, that really helps us narrow down where to search in this incredibly huge store," Angela said dryly.

"Well we might find it faster if all of us looked," Cam said, glaring around to find where the rest of her subordinates had gotten to.

Unable to contain herself, Himizu snuck up behind them all and then said, "Mr. Nigel-Murray…" The young man in question jumped a mile.

"What the bloody hell? Who are you, you wanker?" he yelped in his sexy British accent.

"Sorry about that Mr. Nigel-Murray."

"I beg your pardon… Do we know you?" he asked, glancing at his coworkers to ask them.

"I'm afraid you don't Mr. Nigel-Murray."

"Why do you keep saying my name?"

"Because, Mr. Nigel-Murray, your name is the most awesome name in existence. In fact, Mr. Nigel-Murray, I fully intend to name one of my dogs Mr. Nigel-Murray once I ever get the fuck out of this possessed store."

"…Okay…. That wasn't at all creepy…" Cam said, since Mr. Nigel-Murray was clearly too dumbfounded to reply.

"I'm gonna go find Sweets…" Angela said.

"So, Mr. Nigel-Murray, what are you guys looking for?" Himizu asked.

"We're looking up a symbol that was carved into a skull some kids found in a nearby park," Booth told her, even though she obviously hasn't asked him, but Mr. Nigel-Murray was too confused to reply.

"Oh, how interesting," she said. "Mind if I take a look at the symbol?"

"Sure," Booth said, mostly just because she had actually used a sentence without managing to slip in the name of Mr. Nigel-Murray. He handed her a photograph and it showed a skull with the same sideways A carved into it as Risu's tattoo. Even though Himizu knew what the answer that they sought was, she didn't want to reveal it just yet. Every instinct in her brain was screaming at her that they needed that skull to break the curse.

"Wow, this is cool. Can I have the skull?" she asked eagerly.

"Absolutely not, it's part of a crime scene!" Dr. Brennan exclaimed.

It had been worth a try. Himizu shrugged off the refusal and turned back to Mr. Nigel-Murray. "Hey, Mr. Nigel-Murray, have you ever considered talking in third person?"

"Why would I want to do that?"

"Because you have the most wicked-cool name of all time, and using it in many of your daily sentences would increase your coolness factor even more than it already is. I mean, think about this… 'Mr. Nigel-Murray is going to lunch. Mr. Nigel-Murray will be having a beef sandwich, even though Mr. Nigel-Murray doesn't really like beef, it's the best thing that the cafeteria is serving today, but Mr. Nigel-Murray has been in the lab so late today that Mr. Nigel-Murray only has ten minutes to eat lunch, so that doesn't give Mr. Nigel-Murray enough time to go out to a restaurant that actually has food that Mr. Nigel-Murray enjoys. After Mr. Nigel-Murray gets back from lunch, Mr. Nigel-Murray will continue to spout useless trivia that Mr. Nigel-Murray finds interesting, but only annoys Mr. Nigel-Murray's coworkers, and Mr. Nigel-Murray knows that it annoys Mr. Nigel-Murray's coworkers but Mr. Nigel-Murray cannot help himself and Mr. Nigel-Murray continues to spout the useless facts hoping that one day they will be useful and all of Mr. Nigel-Murray's coworkers will be very grateful.' Really, Mr. Nigel-Murray's coworkers should already be grateful that Mr. Nigel-Murray does not already talk in third person."

Sweets had showed up near the beginning of this rant and his eyes were wide with surprise. He rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "You'll be challenging. I suspect you have a rather severe mental disorder. We must investigate at once." He grabbed Himizu's wrist and dragged her over to a couch and made her lay down on it while he sat in a chair next to it with a clipboard. "And how does that make you feel?"

"How does what make me feel? All you did was drag me to the couch and ask how that makes me feel! I don't like this, I feel like you're about to preach to me. Are you a psychotic Easter bunny disguised as a Jehovah's Witness?"

"…..I beg your pardon?"

"There's only one way to know for sure! When I say shotgun, you say….?" She looked around just in time to see Wasser materialize nearby, open his mouth to speak…

"WEDDING!" screamed Risu, jumping right over the couch like a gazelle as Wasser vanished behind her. Luckily she did manage to jump all the way over the couch, as her employee's stomach would not have survived such harsh contact with Risu's boot-clad foot. The insane squirrel-girl then hid under the couch. "There's a lion after me!"

"Damnit Risu! I'm trying to find out if he's a psychotic Easter bunny disguised as a Jehovah's Witness!" Himizu yelled. "Wait, what lion?"

"Kiba."

"Kiba's not… you know what, never mind…"

"And Sweets isn't a psychotic Easter bunny disguised as a Jehovah's Witness."

"How do you know?"

"Because he's a nerd. Psychotic Easter bunnies smell like cooked celery. Nerds smell like bacon. Sweets smells like bacon, therefore a nerd."

"Um, I don't smell like bacon. I was just in the diner next door and someone had a sandwich with bacon on it," Sweet said.

"SILENCE, NERD! I KEEL YOU!" Risu yelled. Suddenly Kiba ran over.

"There you are!" he yelled.

"AUGH! LION!" Risu screamed, bursting out from under the couch, flipping it over (with Himizu still on it!) in the process, and running away screaming.

"Sweets, you want to know what I feel right now?" Himizu asked, face buried in the floor and pinned down by the couch. "I feel pain. Lots and lots of pain."

Upstairs, Kiba chased Risu into the staff living area. Risu's bedroom door slammed behind them, and Parker and Ryouko stared after them.

"Do you know what's going on?" Parker finally asked.

"No, and I really don't want to. I've decided I don't care what those guys get up to behind closed doors. Don't ask, don't tell."

"Somebody call for us?" Pengin asked, walking in with Sasuke.

"Aren't you supposed to be in the coffee shop?" Ryouko asked.

"Yeah, but we're bored."

"Already? Jeeze, no imagination. Now… GET BACK IN THE DAMN COFFEE SHOP!" Ryouko screamed at them, the force of her yell blowing both boys down to the coffee shop, causing them to hit a row of shelves full of dishes and sending all the dishes flying to fall on them with an almighty crash.

Meanwhile, Himizu was _still_ under the couch. Sweets walked over, tried to lift it, and realized he was going to fail spectacularly. "Hey Booth? Um, we've had a minor mishap… this girl needs help."

"Why do you want to help her? She's obviously insane."

"Because she's a fascinating case study and I need to keep interviewing her."

"Fine, help me lift then," Booth said. He lifted up one end of the couch while Sweets pretended to try to lift the other and an old man with a long beard crawled out and said,

"It's…"

Sweets and Booth both stared at the old man, who stood up slowly, then suddenly started sprinting away like a marathon runner as a giant mallet apparently being held by an invisible hand appeared out of nowhere and started beating him. They turned around to see Himizu sitting calmly in the chair that Sweets had been sitting in, holding his clipboard. "And how does that make you feel?" she asked them, adjusting the tiny bookish pince-nez glasses she was now wearing instead of her normal glasses.

"Um… really confused and pissed off and wondering how you did that and wanting to shoot something… are there any clowns in here?" Booth asked.

"Also very confused… but very intrigued by your odd behavior," Sweets said. "You should come down to my office and talk for a while. It would also be really nice if you could bring that odd girl who thought there was a lion and apparently enjoys cosplay."

"Yeah… I have many problems with that, starting with… you don't want to meet Risu, you won't be able to handle her…"

Sweets put his hands on his hips. "Of course I could handle her. I've never met a patient I couldn't handle, not even Booth and Brennan."

Himizu's eyes widened, then she started grinning at the innuendos. "I thought Dr. Brennan enjoyed the therapy a little too much… And you would have to get past Kiba and Gaara before you could take a crack at Risu."

"Are they insane like you two?" Sweets asked.

"No, they aren't."

"Well then I could handle both of them together."

"Could you now?" Himizu asked, still grinning.

"Why wouldn't I be able to?"

"You just…" Himizu began, but Booth cut her off.

"Okay, that is enough of that. That is more than enough of that. Come on Sweets, we need to get everyone back to the lab. You can come back here later to interview the girls if you really need to."

"Yes, 'interview' us… you can 'interview' the guys too if you want…" Himizu said, still grinning.

"This sounds fascinating. I'm going straight back to my office to get some supplies and then I'll be right back."

"Make sure you bring a whole box," Himizu called after him. Booth stared at her.

"Was all that really necessary? He's like a twelve-year-old," he said to her.

"Yes. Yes it was. Besides, it's his fault for not understanding me."

"And we're leaving!" Booth exclaimed loudly, grabbing Brennan's and Cam's arms and pulling them out of the store.

"But Booth, I haven't found the symbol yet, and I haven't had time to look at anthropology books yet," Dr. Brennan protested.

"Trust me, we don't want to stay in here any longer than we have to," Booth said. Angela found Hodgins, and they all found Fisher standing at the register with many Edgar Allen Poe books.

"Come on Fisher," Cam said.

"I can't, I'm waiting for someone to check me out," he protested.

Risu walked up, looked him up and down, then said, "I'm checking you out… and I don't like what I see. You should've asked out Katy Perry when you had the chance."

"I… ah… this… I know, damnit! Why do you think I'm so depressed all the time?" he finally exclaimed.

"Ah, that makes sense," Risu said. She quickly scanned his books and took his money. "Alright, you're done. Now get the hell out of my store. You depress me."

The Bones cast left and Himizu raced up the stairs to Ryouko and Parker. "You guys will never believe what I found!" she exclaimed. "Parker, I have a job for you…"

A/N: (wearing a long cape) Let's go back to the part where Himizu says that Sweets can't handle Risu and count the number of sexual innuendos… one sexual innuendo, two sexual innuendos, three sexual innuendos, four sexual innuendos, five sexual innuendos, six sexual innuendos, seven sexual innuendos, eight sexual innuendos, nine sexual innuendos, ten sexual innuendos, eleven sexual innuendos… eleven! Eleven sexual innuendos! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! (lighting flashes) And that was just in one part of the chapter! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!

And yes, I am aware that I have a lot of explaining to do for this chapter… First of all, the thing with Eliot and the pancakes… I was originally trying to type "the delicious pancakes cooked by Eliot" but I accidentally typed "the delicious pancakes cooked Eliot" and I started laughing my ass off and had Risu read it and she started laughing too and then we had to keep that and make a whole scene around it cuz it's funny! (Risu and I may or may not have been drinking when I made this typo, and when we decided to include the scene. I'll never tell ^_^)

I MISS MR. NIGEL-MURRAY! (cries) He was my favorite intern ever and I was SOOOO upset when he died! But I sure as heck wasn't changing this chapter, especially because I really am obsessed with Mr. Nigel-Murray's name. Why? It's awesome, that's why. The rant that I did was actually Risu's idea… we had decided that I should do a rant like that and we were thinking of stuff that I could say and out of nowhere she does a good chunk of that monologue and I just sat there and typed it all up, filling in the blanks as I went, because it was hilarious. The lion part… I typed the part where Risu jumped over the couch like a gazelle and she was reading it over my shoulders and she was like, "What? Is a lion after me?" and we looked at each other and both were like "Kiba!" so yeah… And then the thing with Sweets… I typed the part about not being able to handle Risu, realized it was a sexual innuendo, then told Risu and next thing we know, we're going back and forth making more and more sexual innuendos and we typed them all up and now we kind of have to make Sweets come with us on our adventure because we can make so many more scenes like this and it will be awesome! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'm okay. I swear! Aside from being totally mentally insane!

(Also, oh my god this must be the longest author's note in the world! Hahahaha!)


	6. Bones part 2

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters of any of the shows, books, animes, or movies referenced in this fanfic.

Chapter 6: Bones part 2

Parker was crawling through the air vents of the Jeffersonian Institute. "It figures… even when I'm not with Nate and Sophie, I still end up crawling through air vents… I know those girls can't leave the store, but there were plenty of other people there that could do this just as well as me… like that short guy with the anti-gravity hair and the black clothes… he's smaller than me, he could have done this job…"

"Parker, we made you wear your ear bud, remember?" Ryouko's voice said in her ear. Parker winced.

"Oh yeah… Okay, so tell me where to go."

"Hardison, tell Parker where to go!"

"Alright Parker, when you get to a fork in the air vent, turn left. Then take the second passage to the right, then…"

Blah blah blah, eventually Parker made it to the vent that Hardison was positive would come out in Dr. Brennan's office. Parker peered through the vent and soon saw Dr. Brennan sitting at her desk and Special Agent Booth pacing back and forth close by.

"So we still don't know what that symbol means," Booth said.

"Correct. But there's something weird about this. I don't think this skull belongs to a murder victim," Dr. Brennan replied.

"Come again?" Booth said.

"You mean the skull was taken from a grave and the symbol carved into it post-mortem?" Cam asked. Parker couldn't spot the woman and tried to crane her neck to see her.

"That's exactly what I mean," Dr. Brennan replied.

"So we don't have a murder, just grave robbing and desecration of a corpse. Well then let's move on to the next body," Booth said.

"What? But Booth, we can't just ignore this! This skull belongs to a person and deserves to be reinterred properly," Dr. Brennan argued.

"And we will find this person's identity and we will bury the skull properly. But right now we do need to devote some attention to the bodies of people we know have been murdered. This skull's time will come," Cam promised. "Now come on, we have a rather gooey set of remains found in the trunk of an abandoned car."

"Oh, this sounds exciting," Dr. Brennan said eagerly, and she briskly followed Cam out of the office, with Booth trailing behind with considerably more reluctance than the two women.

Parker waited until the sound of footsteps had completely faded. Then she pried the air vent loose and gently laid it ahead of her in the passage. She poked her head out into the office and glanced around. The walls of the office were glass, which was very unfortunate, but Parker was confident she'd be able to make this work. She slid out of the air vent and dropped gently to the floor, then she looked around, spotted a dark blue lab coat draped over a chair, and quickly threw it on over her black clothes so that she would blend in. Mentally she thanked Dr. Brennan for being so close to the same size as her. Parker brushed back her long blonde ponytail and stepped towards Dr. Brennan's desk. The skull sat on the corner of the desk right next to a small box that just so happened to be the right size for a skull. Parker quickly packed the skull into the box and stepped out of the office. She gently shut the door and turned to leave, only to run straight into the arms of Agent Booth.

"Hey there," Booth said, looking the skinny blonde up and down. "I don't remember you, are you new here?"

"Um… yes, I am actually. I was just looking for Dr. Brennan," Parker said nervously.

"Alright, I'll go get her. You stay right there," Booth said, flashing her one of his patented crooked grins. Parker smiled shyly and stepped back into the office. Normally she would have fled as soon as Booth's back was turned, but she still had one more part of the job to complete. She hurried across the room, climbed up onto a chair, and scrambled through the air vent, taking care not to jar the box with the skull too badly. She snapped the air vent back into place, crawled to the next air vent, waited until she heard Booth and Brennan's footsteps walk past and into the office, then pried this vent off and dropped down lightly as a cat into the hallway.

"Who did you say was in here looking for me?" Dr. Brennan asked.

"I didn't catch her name, she was this really cute skinny little blonde," Booth said. Brennan glared at him, then looked around her office.

"Well she's not here anymore," she said, peering around as though this mysterious blonde girl would suddenly materialize in front of her. Then she turned around. "Booth, why did you close the door to my office?" she asked.

"What? I didn't close the door," Booth protested as he stepped over to open the door. He grabbed the handle and shoved on it but the door was locked. He saw the blonde ponytailed girl walking briskly away from them. He banged on the door and shouted, but no one took any notice of them. As Parker walked away with her box, she spotted Angela and carefully brushed past her, dropping a packet of paper into the woman's pocket. Then she strolled to the door, removed the lab coat and dropped it next to the door and walked out as though she did this every day. In seconds she was out on the street walking back to the Dusty Pages bookstore.

Inside the Jeffersonian, Angela had spotted Booth and Brennan pounding on the door of Brennan's office and trying to hail someone. As Angela walked forward, she absently stuck her hand into her pocket and was startled to find a packet of paper wrapped around a key. She recognized it as the key to Brennan's office. Then she read the note written on the packet of paper. It read:

Angela, if you are reading this, then Booth and Brennan are locked in Brennan's office. Please keep an eye on them and don't let them out until they have made out. If they decide to go on to other activities after making out, well, that is their business. Have fun! :-)

Angela read the note again to make sure she wasn't seeing things, then looked down at the key again. Then she started grinning. "Oh, this is going to be fun…" she said, walking up to the glass door to show Brennan the note and see what she and Booth were going to do about it.

Parker arrived back at Dusty Pages and found Himizu and Ryouko at once. Ryouko took the skull eagerly and the girls went to their bedroom to look at it. Himizu traced the symbol with her finger.

"That's part of Risu's tattoo, I'm sure of it," she said. "Now we just have to figure out why it's carved into the skull, and what we can do with it. But first… we need to cover this symbol up so Risu doesn't know what we're doing."

"With what?" Parker asked.

"I dunno, some kind of off-white colored paste… we'll have to see what we can find."

"Just a minute." Parker walked out of the room, and returned less than a minute later with some kind of whitish paste. Himizu gently spread it over the symbol carved into the skull and soon the casual observer wouldn't notice that the symbol was there.

"Wow, this is perfect. Where'd you find it?" Ryouko asked.

"Don't worry about it."

"Oookkkaaayyy…" Ryouko said, and then the three girls went back out to walk around the store. Hiei and Kurama showed up right after.

"Oh yeah, you two are still here…" Himizu muttered.

"HIEI-CHAN!" Ryouko screamed, hugging Hiei tightly.

"So have you given any thought to how you're going to get us back to our own worlds?" Kurama asked.

"You say that like we have control over where this freaking place ends up. Dude, you have so much more freedom than we do! You can actually leave this place without getting thrown around like you hit a giant slingshot!" Himizu exclaimed.

"Uh… I'm not going to ask…" Kurama said with a sigh.

"Don't. Just don't."

As they talked, Himizu spotted Sweets walk into the store. He was carrying a cardboard box filled with file folders and pens and other things he needed for his many interviews. She paused to marvel at the fact that he'd actually taken her advice to "bring a whole box", and then turned and walked off in the opposite direction. Kurama was confused by her abrupt random departure, but confusion was cleared up when Sweets approached.

"Hi! Do you work here? I'm looking for Himizu, she agreed to sit for another interview with me."

"I did no such thing!" Himizu yelled. Sweets turned to look for her and then followed her voice like an eager puppy. Realizing her mistake, Himizu started running off in a different direction. As he looked for her, Sweets ran into Risu.

"Hi. You're the girl who thought a lion was after her aren't you?" he said.

"A lion WAS after me!" Risu exclaimed. "You saw it! It mauled me later after you left."

"Uh… really now? You… look fine. Certainly not dead."

"I didn't say anything about being mauled to death. Just mauled."

"Right… I'm beginning to suspect that your mental problems are just as bad as Himizu's."

"Just as bad? I'm insulted! She only has 73 problems, I have 96 that only squirrels can have, and then another 222 that humans can have."

"I… wasn't aware that one person could have 222 mental problems. There aren't even 222 mental problems known to humans! And some of them conflict with each other so you can't have all of them!"

"Well I made some of them up. Or invented them. Wait, do you make up diseases or invent them? Hm… I don't know which one it is! I'm going to make up a word! I snrkzed it! I snrkzed some of the mental problems I have, and some of the ones Himizu has! How was I to know she would start showing symptoms?"

"I've never heard of snrkzed…" Sweets muttered.

"You haven't? Didn't you have to go to school to be a psychologist? God, you suck at this don't you?"

"Uh…"

"You should go talk to the wolf about this. The wolf is my psytherapist."

"Your what now?"

"My psytherapist! God, what school did you go to? You didn't go, did you? You printed up all your diplomas in your basement while you played World of Warcraft and your mom yelled at you to clean your room!"

"What? How dare you say that! I got my undergraduate from the University of Toronto, my Masters from Temple University, and I earned doctorates in clinical psychology and behavioral analysis from the University of Pennsylvania!"

"Are those words? Those aren't words! You're a strange man! I need to put you in a box! Wait, I need a box… Wait right there, I'll be back!" And Risu ran off to find a box.

Sweets stared after her, then started looking for Himizu again. While he was looking for her, he nearly ran over a petite girl with a pixie haircut who looked completely terrified when she saw him. "Are you okay? I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" Sweets asked, crouching down to her eye level. The girl shook her head. "What's your name? Do you work here?"

"I'm Nezumi. I don't work here, I'm stuck here."

"Stuck here? How can you be stuck here? The door's right over there."

"It won't be there by the time I get there. I'm trapped. I can't leave. Something ties me here."

"You have fascinating delusions," Sweets exclaimed. "I would love to interview you!"

"Uhh… Look behind you!"

Sweets turned and looked while Nezumi fled. But it wasn't a total loss for Sweets, because he saw Himizu run into the break room on the third floor. So Sweets went up the stairs and ran in the door, saw her sitting on a couch between Reid and Eliot, and slammed the door behind him.

"Aha! I finally caught you! You won't be running away from me anymore!"

"Why is it that I can make so many innuendos out of the things you say?" Himizu demanded. "And goddamnit Sweets, why'd you close the door? Risu's going to be so pissed! Wait, Pengin's here right?"

"Yeah, he's here, he and Sasuke are in the closet again," Ryouko said from her couch between Hiei and Kurama.

"Ah, big surprise. Yeah, Risu's gonna be so pissed!"

At that moment, as though summoned by someone saying her name, Risu appeared out of nowhere. "Goddamn you people, why is the nerd the only one here?" she yelled. "I'm overfilling too many quotas! We already have enough nerds, we don't need another one! I'm gonna have to add this to my tax forms! No, I'm too lazy for that; I'm just going to fire someone!"

"Uh, Risu-san, only three of us are actually your employees," Ryouko reminded her.

"DO NOT QUESTION MY NUMBERS!" Risu screamed. "ONE OF YOU BETTER START PACKING YOUR BAGS!"

"Uh, Risu-san… only three of us actually have any belongings here… because we're your employees," Ryouko said.

"Well then everyone else better pack a bag of air! They'll need it if we end up at Sea World or someplace with a bunch of water that I can push them into! Or if we end up in space, cuz there's no air there, mwa ha ha!"

"Then who are you going to fire?"

"I'll have a name by the end of the week. I'll probably forget this conversation by the end of the week, but I'll have a name. It'll be Hendershmirk. Yeah, Hendershmirk will be fired."

"Who the hell is Hendershmirk?" Ryouko asked.

"He's an accountant. He works for us."

"We have an accountant?"

"Yeah. He counts sheep."

"Cosmic sheep?"

"Augh! Hell no! Cotton candy sheep!"

"Oh. Cool. What were we talking about again?"

"I dunno. I'm leaving now. Kiba and Gaara and I have some things to do."

"Things to do… right… So Sweets can stay?"

"Yeah, just don't let him act too nerdy. He can be a surfer dude or something, but not a nerd. We have enough nerds. If he acts too much like a nerd, I'll have to get my Nerd gun."

"You mean Nerf gun?"

"No, Nerd gun. It shoots nerds. I shoot them at my cat."

"What cat? You don't have a cat."

"Shows how much you know. Mwa ha ha!" Risu laughed crazily and ran into her bedroom, slamming the door. Everyone sat in silence for a few moments, then Eliot turned to Sweets.

"Welcome to hell, kid," he said.


	7. Bunny Suicides

Disclaimer: Still don't own any of the characters or settings that I borrow (and there are sooo many...)

Chapter 7: Bunny Suicides

"Goddamnit Sweets, stop following me around!" Himizu screamed at him. "You've done nothing but harass me since you got here!"

"But you're such a fascinating case study! I need to know everything about you!"

"I wouldn't even tell my hypothetical boyfriend some of this stuff, why the hell would I tell you? By the way, did I mention that made you sound like a stalker?"

"But… but…"

"NO! No talking about my butt!" Himizu stormed into the living room and sat next to Eliot. "Please protect me, he's invading my privacy!"

"No way! He's your problem! Unless you're willing to pay me money for my trouble, then I can make it my problem…"

"Ehhhh… I'm a little short on cash… Parker, can I have a loan?"

"No. Never."

"Oh that's right, you're going to use it to make a money suit for Hardison."

"Whoa, what now?" asked Hardison.

"Uh, why would I do that? There are better things to use to make clothes if he needs them," Parker said, puzzled.

"Argh, my innuendos are lost on you," Himizu grumbled. Then she realized that Sweets was standing in front of her with his trusty clipboard. She glared. "And you! You and she should go into some kind of sex education class together. Hey, moment of brilliance! Sweets, you should interview Parker for a while! She has an actual mental disorder, kleptomania! She's a professional thief!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are! Hey look, a gold doubloon!"

Parker snatched it away from her. "Mine."

"It's chocolate."

"What?" Parker picked at the edge of the gold and realized it was a foil-wrapped candy. "Damn…"

"There you go! Sweets, interview her!"

"I'd love to, but her disorder is obvious. Yours are much more subtle and I have to know what they are."

Himizu closed her eyes and prayed for patience. Then she stood up. "Alright, I'm gonna go take a shower. You stay here. I don't want you in the bathroom with me while I bathe."

"What? But I have more questions for you? What kind of soap do you use? What part of your body do you wash first? How long do you spend fixing your hair after you're done?"

Himizu's eyes got huge. "Okay Sweets, I'm sure the questions are innocent and intended to probe my psyche, but frankly you're coming across as… creepy as fuck. Okay?"

"Really?" Sweet asked with wide childlike eyes. "I'm only questioning you about your behavior."

"Yeah… just… you… ugh, I can't deal with you anymore. Stay here and get advice from the guys that actually know how to talk to women. I'm going to shower and you're going to stay here. If that bathroom door opens up while I'm in there naked, I'm going to kill you! Even if it wasn't even you that opened the fucking door! Got it?" She stormed out of the room and a few seconds later they all heard the bathroom door slam. Sweets stared after her, then turned back to the rest of the people in the room, eyes as wide as saucers.

"Is… is she serious?" he asked finally.

"No reason to believe she's not," Eliot replied. Sweets looked horrified, then carefully moved to a chair that had a view of the bathroom door so he could make sure that it stayed closed, but he was still following Himizu's orders to stay in the room with the other people.

Several minutes later, Ryouko walked up to the three bathroom doors and looked at them carefully. All were closed, and she could hear the shower running behind each of them. She walked into the living room and looked at the people who were there and did a quick mental catalogue.

"Where's Pengin?"

"Shower," Reid replied.

"Where's Kurama?"

"Shower," Parker answered.

"Where's Himizu?"

"Shower," Hardison responded.

"Where's Sasuke?"

"Shower," Hiei stated.

"…We only have three showers…"

"Yeah…" Eliot muttered.

"Oookkkayyy… I'm gonna go yell at Himizu to hurry up in the shower because I want one," Ryouko said finally.

"NO! YOU CAN'T!" Sweets cried, jumping out of his chair and flying across the room to block her from opening the door. Ryouko lifted an eyebrow.

"Ok… Sweets, I'm just gonna poke my head in and yell at her to hurry up. It's not like I'm gonna go in there and get freaky with her. And even if that was my plan, aren't you guys supposed to like that?" She realized that Kakashi looked like he was about to speak. "Wait, never mind, I don't wanna know about the fantasies of anyone here. Everyone get their minds out of the gutter right now! Now let me go yell at her!"

"I can't! If that door opens, she's going to kill me!"

"…But you're not opening the door, I am."

"She said it doesn't matter."

"She would. Fine… I'll just hang out here… Actually, hold on…" She walked up to the bathroom door. "HIMIZU NO BAKA, HURRY YOUR ASS UP IN THAT SHOWER, OTHER PEOPLE NEED TO USE IT TOO!"

Everyone in the room was instantly deafened, but it was clearly effective because they could all hear Himizu cursing and yelling about how people were so goddamn impatient.

Eventually everyone started trickling out to the main book store. Himizu and Ryouko ran straight to the windows to try to figure out where they were, but the landscape offered no clues whatsoever. They turned back around and they both yelled in surprise because they saw two bunnies holding a saw and standing over a third bunny that was stretched out on the table. Then the two bunnies holding the saw started cutting off the third bunny's head. Blood spurted everywhere. Then the two bunnies holding the saw threw themselves neck-first onto the table saw, decapitating themselves as well.

"Oh my God!" Himizu yelped, clapping her hand to her mouth.

"Where the hell are we?" Ryouko asked, looking equally horrified.

Risu ran up to them. "All of you get back in the break room now! This is a dangerous and deadly world… if you're a bunny… which you all are!"

"Uh, say what now?"

"You're all bunnies! In this world, all the bunnies want to kill themselves! And I refuse to pay for anti-depressants, so get back in the break room before you become infected! GAARA! KIBA! You guys come with me!" she yelled.

"What the hell are you doing?" Himizu asked finally.

"Fulfilling my moral obligation to these bunnies."

"How's that now?"

"I'm going to help them kill themselves. I find it hysterically funny."

"…..That's your moral obligation?"

"Yes."

"You're a strange girl."

"I AM WELL AWARE! And I'm not a girl! I'm a woman! I'm a man! I'm on a horse!" A horse appeared and Risu was sitting on it. "I have diamonds! Wait, this is coal. Damnit!" she yelled, throwing the coal away from her. "Now I'm a raccoon. Wait, I hate raccoons… Your mother! I'm a bunny! No wait, not the right world! I'm a giant carnivorous dinosaur! Roar! My arms are way too short and my head is way too big, especially considering the tiny brain sitting inside of it! Now get back to the room like I told you!"

"Yes ma'am!" the girls exclaimed, saluting and running away as fast as they could. Risu turned back to Gaara and Kiba.

"Now let's get busy! Kill the bunnies in the most amusing ways possible!"

So off they went. Gaara stuck three bunnies into a blender and turned it onto frappe. Kiba tied several bunnies to a lightning rod and walked outside with it. Gaara looked quizzically at Risu.

"How can you be sure that lightning will strike the bunnies?"

"Because I am the most blasphemous person on the face of the earth! See, I'll show you! Church is God! Wait… this is actually true… hm… how about… Tucker is awesome!" Lightning struck. Risu winced. "Oops, maybe I should've waiting for Kiba to get back. I hope he's not hurt. I don't want my doggie hurt!" She curled up in the fetal position and whimpered a little. But Kiba walked back into the bookstore just then and Risu hugged him, looking rather relieved. "Oh Kiba, I'm so glad you're okay! We can do so many more blasphemous things together that Church would not approve of! I don't know what his commandments are, but if there's a power surge, then he does not approve. Kiba, go get the supplies!"

While Kiba was gone, Risu quickly built a small racetrack and attached a bunny to it. When Kiba got back, the bunny started running away and Kiba started barking and chasing it around the track like a greyhound. Risu laughed maniacally. "We must continue to kill bunnies, and we must continue to be blasphemous in the eyes of Church!" She looked up and saw that Kiba had caught the bunny and ripped it to shreds. Now more bunnies were surrounding him, wanting to be ripped to shreds as well. Risu went and beat them all with a croquet mallet, killing most of them.

After about five hours, they had killed a couple hundred bunnies in various bloody, gruesome, and inventive ways, including building contraptions that ripped the bunnies apart, cut off their heads, drained their blood, removed their brains, and otherwise mauled and mutilated them. They also tied more bunnies to lightning rods or attached them to the nearby electrical outlets and then acted blasphemously in the eyes of Church so that bunnies were electrocuted. And finally the killing of bunnies was no longer amusing, and therefore Risu felt she had fulfilled her moral obligation to kill the bunnies, so they went back to the living area to clean the blood from themselves. The rest of the group was glad to have been spared the horrors of watching bunnies kill themselves in the most horrible ways possible. After a while, Himizu and Ryouko took it upon themselves to see what world they had ended up in this time. They opened the door, peeked out, and then nearly fell over.

"Oh my God, how the hell did we get here?" Himizu asked.


	8. Star Wars and Dilbert

Chapter 8: Star Wars and Dilbert

Disclaimer: I own only the store and my OC's, none of the characters and other settings.

Dusty Pages was now rocketing through space at several thousand miles an hour. Stars surrounded them in a kaleidoscope of light more intense than any IMAX could ever duplicate.

"Why in the hell are we in space?" Ryouko asked.

"Dunno. What universe do you think we're in? Star Trek? Battlestar Galactica? Hmm… well I do know that it's got to be some kind of nerd-gasm world." Himizu said.

A large ship appeared in the distance and swooped up towards them, stopping nearby and releasing a small pod, which floated up to dock at the doors. Hardison and Sweets appeared, pressing their faces to the glass.

"Oh my god it's a Republic ship! Are we in the original trilogy or the prequel trilogy?" Sweets asked.

"Maybe we can meet Darth Vader before he actually becomes Darth Vader!" added Hardison. Himizu turned to Ryouko and grinned.

"See? Nerd-gasm."

As they looked down at the front door, Anakin Skywalker, Obi-won Kenobi, and several clone troopers came into the store.

"Oh my God! It's Anakin Skywalker and Obi-won Kenobi! We are not worthy!" Hardison screamed, falling into a twitchy seizure on the floor.

"Anakin, you have to tell us what it's like to be Darth Vader!" Sweets exclaimed. Anakin looked at his in a puzzled way.

"Who is Darth Vader? I don't know this person… That is a kick-ass name though…" he said.

"My God… what movie are we in?" Sweets asked in wonder.

"Movie?" Anakin and Obi-won both asked, looking at each other in confusion.

"Never mind. Teach us the force!" Hardison pleaded.

"Oh brother…" Ryouko muttered.

"You want to learn the force? Hm… your count is probably not high enough, but I will humor you," Obi-won said finally. "Anakin, please demonstrate."

Anakin nodded, then turned around and lifted up several bookshelves, tables, and chairs with his mind and moving them around effortlessly. Himizu and Ryouko looked at each other.

"Okay… now we're interested. Let's do this shit!" they exclaimed together. So Obi-won began instructing them to clear their minds and breathe deeply and all the other force junk. Hardison and Sweets were miserable failures, but Ryouko and Himizu were able to make the pen roll across the table and even lift it up a few inches. Then Risu walked in and spotted the pen.

"Ah! A pen at last! I've been looking for one so I could sign this invoice!" She reached out her hand and the pen flew into her grasp, then she signed the paper with a flourish. Then she frowned deeply at it and squinted. "Wait… something's not right here… this isn't an invoice… these are my commitment papers! I can't sign this! I'm not ready to be committed! No one can prove that there's anything wrong with me, damnit!" Sweets started to raise his hand. "No, you are not allowed to gather evidence on me or interview me! KIBA!" Kiba ran in and stopped next to her. "Here, eat this!" Kiba unhesitatingly grabbed the papers and ate them. "There, you are all my witnesses! My dog ate my commitment papers!" Then Risu ran off laughing maniacally and trailed by the loyal Kiba. Suddenly the clone troopers started floating in the direction of the break room.

"Hey, why are we moving? What's going on?" they cried out.

"Wait, are they stealing our soldiers?" Anakni asked.

"I believe they are! We must stop them!" Obi-won exclaimed. As the two men headed for the stairs, Ryouko and Himizu sprang forward, kicking both of them to the ground and snatching their light sabers. They stood over the two men and clicked on the light saber beams, grinning evilly. Obi-won grabbed Anakin and pulled him to the door. "Quick! Back to the ship! These girls are too insane to battle properly, we need backup now!" And the two ran off. Ryouko and Himizu waited until the two men were back in their pod ship and heading back to the Republic ship, then put their force lessons into practice. They had been hiding their abilities and now they easily used the force to bar the door and grab Hardison and Sweets and take them up to the break room, slamming the door behind them.

"Well this is one world that I'm not sorry to leave," Himizu growled.

"How on earth did you two manage to learn the force so fast?" Hardison exclaimed.

"Cuz we're awesomeness personified!" Ryouko yelled happily, running off to the girls' room to hide the light sabers somewhere where the resident nerds wouldn't be able to find them.

"Hell yes!" Himizu exclaimed. "I wonder where we are now!" She threw open the door and was horrified to discover that not only were they still hurtling through space, but she could also see several small pod ships headed towards them and they would soon be under massive attack. "Son of a bitch! We're still here!"

Ryouko ran to Risu's door and banged on it. They soon heard Risu's irate voice saying, "Damnit, leave me alone! I'm initiating my newest soldiers!"

"Well if she's here, then… PENGIN!"

"Just a second!" they heard him yell from someplace. Several moments later, just as the first pod ship was docking, Pengin came running up the steps from somewhere on the second floor with Sasuke in tow. Ryouko and Himizu used the force to move some tables in front of the door to keep the first few clone troopers out. Finally Pengin and Sasuke raced in and the girls slammed the break room door behind them.

"Damn, Pengin! What the hell were you doing?" Ryouko cried.

"I'm sorry, I knew the clone troopers were attacking but I just had to finish serving coffee to the Greek god!"

"Oh yeah… We forgot about him…" Ryouko muttered.

"So he comes to visit us when we're in different worlds?" Himizu mused. "That seems just a little odd doesn't it?"

"Eh, he's the Greek god, he can do whatever he wants. It's like Nezumi, she's always here, no one knows why."

"Okay, I can accept that I think. So let's open this door and see where we're at now."

They opened the door and somehow found that all the bookshelves had formed cubicles and several miserable-looking computer engineers were trudging around.

"Hm, if I'm not mistaken, we're in the Dilbert universe…" Ryouko said finally. They walked slowly around until they spotted a tiny white dog with glasses staring at them from a nearby cubicle.

"It appears that the company has transformed into that mysterious bookstore once again…" Dogbert said. Dilbert, whose cubicle Dogbert was in, turned to stare at his brilliant dog.

"What are you talking about, Dogbert? This company has always been part of a bookstore. And a highly successful one at that."

"It's odd that you only say that when the bookstore is actually here. Then when it's not here, you say that I'm crazy and there's never a bookstore here. Can you explain that?"

"You're making these things up just to drive me crazy! It won't work you know, you can't legally inherit from me anyways!"

"That's what you think," Dogbert said with a smile. Himizu and Ryouko looked at each other and grinned.

"You know what, Dogbert? You should come with us and observe what happens in the bookstore when it's not here," Himizu said.

"Sounds suitably entertaining, I'd love to come," Dogbert said, jumping off the desk and following them.

"I don't understand! Where are you going?" Dilbert exclaimed.

"Don't worry, I'll be back soon. I always am," Dogbert said cheerfully, following the girls. At that moment, Risu came hurtling between the rows of cubicles screaming like a madwoman.

"LAYOFFS AND BUDGET CUTS AND MORE USELESS HEALTH BENEFITS THAT CUT OUR PAY! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

This, naturally, started a stampede and cubicle workers were soon running all over the place. Himizu, Ryouko, and Dogbert jumped onto the nearby bookshelves/cubicle walls to watch the fun. Risu kept running and screaming until she crashed right into Alice. They glared at each other for several moments, then both screamed "FIST OF DEATH!" made a fist, and tried to punch each other, but their fists of death were equally strong and were able to cancel each other out. Then they glared at each other before finally settling back into relaxed states, saying "Hm… no one has ever matched my fist of death before… I think I'll let you live…" simultaneously. They nodded to each other and walked away from each other before Alice joined the other workers in stampeding and Risu headed to the Human Resources office.

"You know what, Alice is just like an older Risu," Himizu said finally.

"Wow, you're right… I'm surprised she doesn't get the weird triangle-shaped hair when she becomes middle-aged…" Ryouko mused.

Meanwhile, Risu burst into the Human Resources office. Mr. Catbert was standing on his desk and batting away at an employee who was tied up in a mess of yarn and suspended from the ceiling. Risu stormed up to the desk, pushed the employee aside, and slammed her hands down on the desk.

"I have a proposition for you, Master Catbert," she told him, an evil smile appearing on her face.

The evil-looking red cat leaned forward, rubbing his paws together. "Normally I don't pay attention to anyone who is not obviously superior to me… but in your case, I think I'm going to like what you have to say… so you have my attention."

Back in the safety of the break room, Ryouko and Himizu were hanging out with Dogbert, who was suitably impressed by the idea that the bookstore went to so many different worlds. He was considerably less than impressed by the idea of the curse though.

"So let me see if I understand you… you live in this bookstore, you get to travel to all these worlds, meet thousands of literary and cinematic characters, gain a perspective on life that would be the envy of everyone in the world if they could only conceive of the possibility… and you're unhappy with the situation and you want to leave to return to your dull droning existence?" Dogbert asked.

"Wow, absolutely everything you say sounds so negative, no matter how good the idea actually is. It's like a superpower… 'I can induce crippling self-doubt into anyone through the power of my words alone' blah blah blah," Himizu grumbled, sticking her tongue out at the little white dog. Dogbert tilted his head and lifted an eyebrow.

Risu practically exploded into the room holding Catbert by the scruff of his neck. "OBEY THE CAT!" she screamed.

"Meow. Petting my soft furry belly is a health benefit. I can now cut your salary," he purred.

"That's lovely… but we don't get paid. We also don't get health benefits, so we'd actually come out ahead with your plan. And we heard you were evil!" Ryouko exclaimed.

"Oh… well never mind then. You people are no fun," Catbert pouted. "I'm leaving." He tried to wiggle away from Risu, but she held him fast.

"Oh hell no, you don't get to walk off that easily. Come on, we have lots of work to do!" she exclaimed, marching off to her quarters with the cat in tow.

"This doesn't seem like a good thing…" Himizu mused. "Maybe we should start working on fulfilling our last wishes. Eliot, I am going to kiss you now!"

"What? No! Go away!" he exclaimed, trying to shoo her away.

"Good grief, am I really so repulsive that you would deny me my dying wish?"

"You're not dying, you nitwit!"

"How dare you call me a nitwit?"

"Your crazy boss brings in a talking cat, which admittedly is odd, but certainly not the end of the world, and not worth this reaction."

"Yes it is! I'm allergic to cats!" Himizu screamed.

"This is stupid. I'm going to bed!" Eliot exclaimed, walking off to the room that all the boys (minus Pengin and Sasuke…) were sharing, and slamming the door behind him. Himizu pouted.

"So rude… oh well, I'll get him eventually." She grabbed the remote and turned on Chelsea Lately and the remainder of the evening passed quietly.


	9. Halo

Chapter 9: Halo

The next day, everyone was gathered in the kitchen to eat Pop-tarts. Catbert wandered in and gathered up several boxes, leaving the door to Risu's room ajar as he did so. Everyone naturally started craning their necks to peek in, and were a bit shocked by what they saw.

Risu was reclining on a silk-covered divan and clad in a white silk robe with gold laurels in her hair. Gaara was fanning her with a palm branch and Kiba was feeding her grapes. Risu smiled at her minions.

"Ye gods, this is the life. It makes me feel like watching someone Riverdancing. Clone troopers! Riverdance!"

The clone troopers gathered in front of her and started Riverdancing and Risu laughed maniacally. Then she saw that the door was open and glared at them. "What? What are you staring at? Who said you could look in my room? Go away! Catbert, bring the Pop-tarts and SHUT THE DAMN DOOR NEXT TIME!" Catbert scurried in and slammed the door behind him and everyone exchanged glances.

"Well… this was… somehow not surprising," Ryouko said finally. She and Himizu stepped out of the staff area. The bookstore now had metallic walls and furniture as well as several posters talking about how soldiers must step up to defend the Earth and etc. Hardison and Sweets appeared next to them.

"Wow, we're in the Halo world," Sweets exclaimed. Ryouko and Himizu's eyes expanded to the size of dinner plates.

"He didn't just say that, right?" Ryouko said.

"He did… Quick, out of the way of the door!" Himizu yelped.

"Why?" Hardison asked.

"JUST MOVE!" they yelled, grabbing the nerds and pulled them away from the door just as Risu exploded out, screaming something incoherent but somehow Halo-related.

Risu ran to a nearby terminal and called Cortana. "Hello? Hello? This is Admiral Risu and I need John, Kelly, Fred, Will, and the Arbiter dispatched to my location right away!"

There was silence for a moment, then a voice said, "Could you repeat your name please?"

"Admiral Risu."

"I'm sorry, we have no records of you. I cannot allow these orders to go through without authorization."

"But I have an AI!"

"If you send an AI with appropriate credentials to us, we can try to comply with your request."

"Fine, give me a minute…" Risu thought for a moment. "GAARA! What did you do with my AI?"

"What AI? You don't have an AI!" he yelled.

"I don't? Shit! KIBA!"

"Yes ma'am?" he exclaimed, bounding in.

"Go snatch these soldiers for me!" she said, then proceeded to give him some more instructions. When she was finished, she pointed to a computer. "What are you waiting for? Fetch!" Kiba saluted and vanished into the computer and returned a short time later with four augmented humans and one alien. Risu had taken the opportunity to change into a military uniform to give herself more authority.

"Soldiers! Welcome to my army!" she exclaimed. "Come with me for initiation!" Having said that, she instructed the clone troopers to drag her newest soldiers to her room. Gaara and Kiba led the group of course, and Risu skipped along behind them. When they reached the staff room, she saw Kurama, Hiei, Reid, Eliot, Parker, Kakashi, and Dogbert sitting on couches and staring at her. She winked at them and slammed the door. Eliot tilted his head.

"Is she deliberately trying to make us think she's having a huge orgy behind that door? Cuz that thought is seriously freaking me out."

"I think she is. I've been trying to find a peephole to see if it's true, but the place is sealed up tight," Kakashi said.

"Dude, sick!" Eliot exclaimed.

Risu burst out of her room. "DAMNIT KAKASHI, YOU STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY ROOM! AND IF YOU EVER TRY TO LOOK IN HERE AGAIN, I WILL BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU!" she screamed. She whacked him with her shillelagh and then zoomed back into her room. Everyone sat completely still until they were sure she was sufficiently distracted, then Parker looked around.

"I wonder where Hardison and the others are at…" she mused.

Meanwhile, Himizu and Ryouko had carefully cleaned the white paste off of the skull, and they were now wandering around the bookstore. Neither of them was even sure why they had brought the skull; but since they had, they were going to try to make the best of things. Hardison and Sweets had been muttering various nerdy things about using the skull to unlock different things, but the girls weren't paying much attention to them as they wandered along the metallic corridors of their bookstore. The shelves had somehow turned into metallic walls which were still lined with books, making their trek far more interesting than usual. Eventually they came across an odd pattern of light on one wall, vaguely triangular in shape. They walked around the rest of the store, but found nothing unusual except for that patch of light. Ryouko walked up to it and began to trace it with her finger and muttering to herself.

"What are you doing?" Himizu asked, sounding exhausted and discouraged.

"Something about this patch of light… Himizu, you may be on to something after all."

"Oh, are you finally on board with this?" she asked. Ryouko shrugged.

"I'm actually not sure, but I can't quite resist this challenge," she said. "Now put the skull there facing the light source."

Himizu did so and the two girls puzzled over the skull for a few minutes as they tried to figure out if the light was doing anything that was unusual. Then, just when they were ready to give up and go find something else to do, they moved the skull just a little more, so that the light was shining directly into the skull's carving without creating a shadow on the wall, and they all heard a loud creaking sound. Ryouko, Himizu, Hardison, and Sweets all spun around to find the source of the sound. A secret room had appeared behind them and they hurried over to see it. Inside there was a single pedestal and on the pedestal laid a small greenish blue circular object that glowed softly in the darkness.

"What is it?" Himizu asked finally.

"Are you out of your mind?!" Hardison gasped. "It's a data crystal! Who knows what secrets it could hold?"

"Well we would need to find a way to get the information off of said data crystal before we could answer that question," Ryouko pointed out.

Hardison picked the crystal up carefully and examined it. "Well, it's possible that I could make some sort of image analyzer. With any luck, there will be symbols on there that we can read."

"How are you going to make an image analyzer without Risu finding out?" Himizu demanded.

"It has to be someplace where Risu doesn't watch us constantly," Hardison said.

"Well there's only one place where that happens…" Ryouko sighed.

"Where?" Sweets asked. "Wait, you mean she watches us?"

"Duh…" Ryouko and Himizu said with identical exasperated sighs.

"And you're supposed to be smart…" Himizu muttered.

"As I was saying, there is only one place where Risu doesn't watch us," Ryouko said. "And that would be the bathrooms."

"Aww hell no…" Hardison groaned.

"Double H-E- hockey sticks yes," Ryouko said. Himizu, Hardison, and Sweets all stared oddly at Ryouko. She frowned. "Wait, that's not right, is it?" Himizu looked like she was about to speak but Ryouko glared. "Do not correct my spelling! I will tase you!"

"I believe you meant H-E- double hockey sticks… and where did you get a taser?"

"I picked it up while we were walking around," Ryouko said, brandishing a small slightly curved metal handle. "Prepare to be tased!"

Sweets took a step backwards. "That is not a taser! That is an energy sword!"

"What's an energy sword?" the other three people asked.

"It's a melee weapon from Halo! It's a one hit kill in the games! Even if you have an overshield!"

"Man, even I'm not that big of a nerd…" Hardison muttered. "But he's right, Ryouko, don't use that on Himizu."

They all headed back to the break room and Hardison was soon barricaded in the bathroom building an image analyzer. Parker had decided to assist him since she was so handy with tools. They had been working for a few hours and were taking a break when Parker turned to Hardison.

"So we're making this machine in the bathroom."

"Right, because Risu doesn't watch us in here."

"So this bathroom will only be used for this."

"Yeah."

"And we don't want to use the other bathroom because of something that Pengin and Sasuke do in there that grosses you all out and I have to believe is disgusting."

"…Yeah…"

"So that means that we only have one bathroom left to use."

"Yeah."

"All of us… one bathroom… one shower…"

"Ohhhh… I see your point."

Parker stepped out of the bathroom and walked over to Ryouko and Himizu, who were sitting on a couch and tapping on a laptop. "Have you guys considered…"

"Yes, we got it covered. We're making a schedule right now."

"A schedule for what?" Eliot demanded.

"For showers."

"Oh… well I need extra time to wash my hair."

"YOU need extra time for your hair?" Kurama exclaimed.

"We'll take your concerns under advisement, NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!" Himizu yelled.

Parker and Hardison finished the image analyzer some time later and shut the door behind them as they approached the rest of the group. Ryouko and Himizu had just finished the schedule and were posting it on the door of the one remaining bathroom. They all peered at it.

"Why are Eliot and I showering together?" Kurama demanded.

"Because you take way too damn long," Ryouko told them.

"But now we'll take even longer because we'll be fighting to use the water," Kurama pointed out.

Risu burst from her suite and struck a heroic pose. "Did I just hear something about two naked guys fighting in the shower?"

"Yes, why is that a reason for you to strike a heroic pose?" Eliot asked.

"Don't question me!" Risu screamed.

Hardison looked at the schedule. His eyes widened and he looked at Parker, then looked back at the schedule, then back to Parker. "Oh… dear… God…"

Parker looked at the schedule and shrugged. "I don't see what the big deal is. We practically live together anyways."

"Oh… dear… God…"

Hiei's eyes narrowed to mere slits. "I'm taking a shower with a talking encyclopedia? Whose brilliant idea was this?"

Reid shrugged. "This won't be so bad. The ancient Romans showered in communal baths all the time. In fact, I believe the Japanese also…"

"Shut the fuck up, I'm not technically Japanese!" Hiei yelled at him.

Kakashi and Sweets regarded one another. "I don't have a problem with this. Do you?" Sweets asked.

"I've been through more traumatic experiences and came through unscathed," Kakashi said.

"Your reactions disappoint me," Risu said, shaking her head at the psychologist and the ninja master.

"And where am I?" Dogbert asked.

"Oh, you'll get washed in the sink. You're small, plus it allows you to be pampered," Ryouko told him.

"I approve then," the tiny dog said with a smile.

Hardison looked at the schedule more closely. "Hey, why do Ryouko and Himizu each get 6 hours per day to shower? Why can't you break up these times so that no one has to shower in pairs?"

"Quiet!" Risu exclaimed. "No changing of the schedule! If my minions have to shower together, then you guys have to do so as well!"

"Wait, your minions shower together?" Eliot asked.

"Of course. Have you ever seen ten naked clone troopers fighting over one stream of water? Hilarious! That reminds me, I need to order Catbert to change the tape…"

"Wait, you videotape your minions in the shower?"

"… Of course. I need something to watch late at night."

Everyone stared at Risu, then started hitting their heads against walls to try to un-hear that statement.

A/N: And this is why I should not be allowed to write fanfics with Risu as my muse… inevitably one of us thinks of something perverted and it ends up in the fanfic. We've also gotten into the very bad habit of phrasing things so that they can have a double entendre… and then we laugh about it… and then we leave it there. So yeah, if you read something and you think it sounds dirty… it's probably supposed to because my friends have all thoroughly corrupted me. Example: Parker is "handy with tools"… Hehehe…

By the way, I think this is around the point where I just said "Fuck it, this fic is gonna be rated M…" I told Risu and… well… yeah. She took that as a signal to go completely insane and I still can't believe some of the stuff she's suggested I write. It's terrible. But I always end up laughing my ass off and it gets written anyways.


	10. Assassin's Creed

A/N: I really like this sequence... random action and stuff, not as much humor. I dunno... It was fun to write.

Disclaimer: Don't own ANYTHING except my OC's.

Chapter 10: Assassin's Creed

Ryouko, Himizu, and the characters that hung out with them were crowded around the picture generated by the image analyzer.

"It looks kind of… Middle Eastern…?"

"It definitely looks ancient."

"Does anyone have even the slightest idea what this thing is supposed to symbolize?"

"It looks blue. Is it blue or is that just a weird filter?"

"What's that in the center there?"

"It's some kind of bird. Is that a robin?"

"What? No! That's not a damn songbird! That's an eagle, you imbecile!"

"Okay so it's a blue thing with a flying eagle in the middle. Is it some kind of tapestry?"

"No, it seems way too small."

"A flag?"

"That's weird, why would there be a picture of a flag? Where's the flag from?"

"Who knows? Let's just keep our eyes open for the flag."

Himizu, Ryouko, Eliot, and Hiei stepped out of the break room. The first thing they realized was that the bookstore had become very medieval. The bookshelves and furniture were made of rickety wood; the walls were stone, and dotted with faded tapestries. The books were now all battered and ragged tomes or scrolls, and there wasn't a DVD in sight. Outside there were knights, monks, and people in peasant's garb or very old-fashioned clothes. The second thing they noticed was that on top of a few of the bookshelves were flags and that a man in a white crusader-type robe with a sword at his waist was jumping from shelf to shelf to grab the flags.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" Ryouko yelled. "You're going to scuff the tops of the shelves!"

The man turned to stare down at them, then turned away again to grab the nearest flag before bouncing off to another shelf. Within seconds, he'd cleared the third floor, so he dashed to the nearest railing, grabbed it, and swung himself down to the second floor. Ryouko and Himizu both stared. Himizu turned to Ryouko.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" she asked.

"Yes, he's a bloody vandal and needs to be kicked out of this store! Eliot, I hereby dub thee store security, now remove that vandal or you're fired!" Ryouko exclaimed. Eliot stared at her incredulously.

"I don't care if you fire me. Go right ahead. I'm not even an official employee. I don't have to take orders from the people that kidnapped me."

"You make us food, isn't that taking orders?"

"No, I need to eat anyways, so I might as well be nice and make enough for everyone. Plus I like emptying your cupboards and causing you the hassle of getting more food."

"It's not really a hassle at all and your cooking is so amazing, and we're too lazy to make food anyways so your cooking is basically a godsend, not to mention half the reason we kidnapped you in the first place."

"Fine, if you feel that way, I can stop cooking food for you."

"Ryouko, will you shut up? Eliot, will you please go grab that guy? I think he holds the next key to our mystery, and if I'm right, it'll get you home and away from us that much faster," Himizu said. "Hiei, go help him."

Hiei glared at her, but he took off and went over the railing the same way the strange robed man had. Eliot sighed and took off down the stairs, with the girls close behind him. They found Hiei leaping across the tops of the bookshelves, blocking the robed man's every avenue of escape. Hiei was a black blur half the time and the robed man clearly suspected some kind of sorcery. Finally he pulled out a sword and took a swing at Hiei, which surprised the demon enough that the robed man was able to dash past him and leap from the tops of the bookshelves to run along the floor. He was nearly to the railing when Eliot intercepted him and punched him before the man had a chance to swing his sword. Dazed, the man staggered against a bookshelf before clearing his head and dashing off in another direction. He spotted another railing and raced towards it. Once again Eliot was there to stop him and punch him again. The robed man looked around, noticing Hiei running towards him, and ran off in another direction. He spotted the stairs and started towards them, but found his way blocked by Ryouko and Himizu who were standing shoulder to shoulder with their arms crossed. The robed man looked at the two girls, decided they looked weak enough for him to shoulder aside, and dashed towards them, waving his sword in hopes of frightening them out of his way before he even got to them. When he was only five feet from them, both girls held out their right hands in a 'stop' gesture.

"You shall not pass," they intoned, and the robed man found himself blasted backwards by an unseen power (the Force!). He crashed into a bookcase and when he looked up, he found the point of a katana at his throat and a very pissed off-looking Hiei standing over him. Eliot appeared a moment later and hauled the robed man to his feet.

"Okay man, seriously. We come to stop you from stomping around on top of these delicate shelves and destroying some valuable materials, and your first reaction is to draw a sword? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Says the guy who owns a samurai sword…" Himizu muttered to Ryouko.

"Until you can prove otherwise, I have to assume you are part of the Templar," the robed man snarled.

"Excuse our ignorance, but how are we supposed to prove that we're not part of the Templar? Because we're not," Ryouko said.

"You could still be friends of the Templar."

"We're not. We don't know anyone from around here. Now tell us your name and why you were destroying our store to get those flags," Himizu said. The robed man glared at them, but considering he was facing two girls with (as far as he knew) magical powers, plus their two bodyguards, he decided it would do more harm to conceal the truth than good.

"My name is Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad and I'm an assassin. I've been assigned to kill top-ranking members of the Templar."

"An assassin? Cool. You and Eliot should get along well," Himizu said.

"I'm not an assassin, you dork. I'm a retrieval specialist," Eliot snapped at her.

"Well, then Hiei…"

"I'm not an assassin either, you ditz."

Himizu looked confused. "Well… you… er… so I don't know any assassins? Well that just fucking ruined my day."

Ryouko chose to ignore the other girl. "Altaïr, it's nice to meet you. Now tell us about the flags."

"I collect them. They're everywhere."

"…..Details please."

"Mostly I collect them because they represent different military or political factions here in the Holy Land. My Brotherhood believes that no group has the right to claim part of the Holy Land for themselves. It is a sacred place and everyone should have the right to visit any part of this land that they choose. Collecting the flags is a symbolic way of expressing our distaste for the greedy attitudes of the groups that claim territory here." Altaïr paused for a moment, then a half-smile appeared on his face. "Not to mention that they look fantastic in my hideout."

"So it's safe to say that you're an expert in flags?" Himizu asked.

"I suppose you could say that," Altaïr agreed.

"Okay, have you ever collected a flag that looks like this?" Ryouko whipped out a sketch she had made of the picture from the image analyzer. Altaïr looked at it closely for a moment.

"It's possible… very possible. But I can't be sure."

Himizu's eyes narrowed and she leaned over and whispered in Eliot's ear. After a moment, he nodded his head. Himizu smiled.

"And I suppose you want us to let you go so that you can check your hideout for this flag and bring it back to us," she said pleasantly.

"Naturally, if you would be so kind…" Altaïr said, attempting to match her smile, and failing badly.

"And I suppose you think that we're idiotic little novices who were born yesterday and are willing to trust you on your own in this city which you clearly know like the back of your hand, and which we know nothing about."

Altaïr's smile faltered even more. Himizu's widened.

"No, I don't think we're going to play that game. You'll be taking two of our associates to make sure that you don't double-cross us. And you're going to comply since technically these flags that you just grabbed are our property and you're stealing and we could totally call the Templar right now and have you arrested and probably executed."

Altaïr blanched. "Er… my hideout is… um… on top of a roof of one of the buildings in the city. I don't know that your associates could… er… climb up the way I do," he said lamely.

"Hiei darling, I do believe he's insulting you," Ryouko said. Hiei scowled, though whether it was because of the insult or being called 'darling' was unclear.

"Don't worry, kyoukan, I will be able to keep up with you no matter what tricks you pull," he snarled at Altaïr, who shrugged innocently and turned to Eliot.

"And you? Will you be able to keep up? You don't look as swift as your short friend here."

Both men seemed about to attack the impudent assassin, but Himizu stopped them.

"I'm sure Eliot would do wonderful if he was being sent on this mission, but he's not the one we were thinking of."

"And just who the hell are you planning to send instead of me? That Kakashi guy? He wears a mask and has silver hair, he'll stick out like a sore thumb," Eliot pointed out.

"Sure he will. That's why we're sending Parker."

"She's a woman with no respect for men, authority, or historic dress codes and this is medieval Jerusalem. HOW IS THAT LESS OBVIOUS?" Eliot yelled at her.

"What about Hiei is not obvious to you? He's an angry short guy dressed in black with anti-gravity hair and red eyes who looks like he just arose from the pits of hell, not to mention he's literally a demon," Himizu said.

"Eliot, who's in charge of this mission? Not you, that's all you need to know," Ryouko added. Then she went back to the break room to fetch Parker. She appeared moments later, dressed all in black and holding her climbing gear.

"This sounds like fun, let's do this!" she exclaimed. Altaïr stared at her, then at Ryouko and Himizu.

"You're crazy. You're asking for all of us to get killed, including me, and I really don't appreciate this."

"Sorry friend, but this is what happens when you fuck around with us," Himizu said pleasantly. "Now off you go."

The assassin, accompanied by the demon and the thief, left the store and headed off down the street. Himizu and Ryouko waited a beat, then turned and walked off. Eliot stared after them.

"Hey, where are you going? Aren't you going to wait for them to get back? Aren't you at all worried about what's going to happen to them?"

"We're just getting some insurance."

"What the hell? What kind of insurance? Please don't tell me you kidnapped the Geico gecko."

"Dude, are you on drugs? If you are, please share. But seriously, we think that you had a good idea earlier about sending Kakashi, so we're fetching him and sending him to keep an eye on our little group."

"Wasn't the whole point of not sending him was because he was really obvious? Aren't you making the whole situation worse?"

"He's a goddamn ninja! He works better alone and will fuck up the day of anyone who messes with him," Ryouko pointed out. Eliot sighed and followed them to Kakashi, who (unsurprisingly) was looking at dirty books. Himizu glared, put on rubber gloves and pulled out tongs, snatched the book from Kakashi's hands, then tossed it back on the shelf.

"Kakashi, you can read these books anytime you want! We have a job for you!" she told him.

"Why would I want to do a job for you?"

"You volunteered your services the second you got your ass trapped in our dimension-hopping funhouse of a bookstore!"

"Your rules are interesting."

"And the consequences for not following them will be deadly, so GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE AND FOLLOW THEM RIGHT NOW GODDAMNIT!" Himizu yelled at him.

"Okay, okay, I'm going… sheesh… psycho chick…" He took off out the door and vanished moments later. Eliot frowned at the girls.

"You really think he's going to help?"

"Of course…"

"…not…"

Eliot looked confused. "What?"

"Translation, we have no idea," Himizu admitted.

"Actually I think Hiei and Parker would have been fine on their own, but Kakashi will just be there to make sure nothing goes wrong," Ryouko said.

"You know you're only saying that because you love Hiei and hate the thought of something happening to him, so you trick yourself into thinking he's invincible," Himizu muttered.

"Lies!" Ryouko yelled at her. Eliot clapped a hand to his forehead and briefly considered knocking their heads together before heading off to find a spot where he could watch for the group's return.


	11. Assassin's Creed part 2

Chapter 11: Assassin's Creed part 2

Altaïr, Parker, and Hiei walked swiftly through the crowded streets of medieval Jerusalem. They didn't blend in well. Parker was the only woman in the entire country (minus the ones in the bookstore of course) who wasn't wearing a long modest dress, and her tight black clothes drew plenty of stares. Hiei's hair and general aura of evilness were also drawing stares, and Altaïr quickly found himself wishing that he hadn't agreed to bring these two as escorts.

"Both of you listen," he snarled under his breath. "I've spent a lot of time working in this city and I will need to spend a lot more time here in the future. I can't afford to have my cover blown because you're too conspicuous."

"What exactly would you like us to do to blend in?" Hiei asked sarcastically. "It's not as though Parker could just steal a dress."

"Well I could…" she suggested but one glare from Hiei silenced her.

"Not without drawing way too much attention to ourselves."

"Listen you two," Altaïr snapped. "We're going to go somewhere where there will be a lot fewer prying eyes."

"And where would that be?" Parker demanded, suddenly getting a feeling that Himizu and Ryouko would have told her the answer before this creepy assassin did.

"The rooftops," Altaïr said. He stopped in the middle of the street and looked around at the buildings. Most of the townspeople moved out of their way, but a few grumbled angrily. Finally Altaïr pointed to a nearby building with several protruding ledges. "That one. Follow me."

Hiei and Parker did as he said. Altaïr pointed upward. "Go on. We'll attract a lot of attention and the Templar guards will probably show up. I'll handle them." He looked at Hiei. "You go up first. There will be Templar guards on the rooftops as well. You should protect the lady."

Parker started to protest that she didn't really need protecting but Hiei shot her a look that suggested she just go with it. Parker sighed and pulled a grappling hook and a line from her bag and tossed it up to the roof where it caught on the rocks. Hiei looked at her pityingly. Parker just shrugged.

"I never climb without a line. It's not that I fear for my safety, but it's better to be safe than sorry and it actually gives me more freedom to try something dangerous."

"I agree with Eliot, you're an odd girl," Hiei told her. Parker made sure the rope was secure on her belt. Hiei climbed quickly up the side of the building, occasionally reaching out and grabbing Parker's rope to increase his balance as he moved to the next ledge. Parker was close behind him, climbing nearly as fast as he was. Glancing down, Hiei saw several townspeople looking up and pointing, exclaiming about what foolish people these strange foreigners were. And sure enough, he could see several Templar guards dashing down the narrow road, shoving people aside and making straight for their building. Altaïr had already spotted them and taken a defensive stance. Hiei levered himself over the top of the wall and landed in a crouch on the roof, red eyes quickly scanning for danger. He spotted two guards dashing across a narrow platform that passed as a connecting bridge between their building and the adjacent one and he darted over to meet them, drawing his katana as he did so. The first Templar guard uttered a short death scream and fell almost at Hiei's feet. He kicked the body out of the way and lunged towards the other Templar guard, slashing his arm and chest. The man tried to stab Hiei in return, but he was off-balance and suddenly toppled right off the platform and plunged to the ground below. Ignoring the frightened shrieks of the townspeople below, Hiei turned back towards Parker, who had just reached the top and was pulling herself up. His eyes travelled past her and he saw another Templar guard on a building across the street from theirs. The guard was watching them and he was pulling out a bow and arrows.

"Oh shit…" Hiei muttered, racing towards the girl. "Parker, get up here now!"

Parker turned and saw the guard with the bow and arrow. Fear sent her adrenaline spiking and she threw herself onto the roof of the building, scuttling blindly somewhere where she hoped an arrow wouldn't land. One arrow thudded into the roof next to her leg, another missed her head by inches before Hiei grabbed her collar and dragged her to the other side of the roof behind a tent-like structure out of arrow range. Parker peered back towards the wall they had climbed.

"Where's Altaïr?" she asked. "You don't think he's been captured or killed do you?"

"A trained assassin like him? Unlikely," Hiei said just as Altaïr vaulted over the edge of the roof and deftly avoided arrows, crouching and rolling towards the tent-like structure to join them.

"How'd you know we'd be here?" Parker asked.

"There's always Templar guards on the roof with bows and arrows, The sensible thing to do would be to find cover until we can ambush any that are shooting at us." Altaïr glanced at Hiei. "I figured you would know that, even if she didn't."

Parker scowled darkly. She had never appreciated being excluded from anything, and she especially didn't like it when men acted sexist. "So where's your hideout?" she asked. Altaïr pointed.

"See that tower there?"

"Yes."

"It's in the building just south of the tower so it's easy for me to get up there and look around at the city."

"The one with the red tile and the white walls?"

"That's the one."

"Okay then." Parker stood up and squared her narrow shoulders. Hiei suddenly felt apprehensive. It usually wasn't a good thing when someone had the type of expression on their face that she had.

"Um, Parker, what are you doing?"

"Now you're going to learn why I'm on the Leverage team as the expert thief," she told them. She got a running start and jumped the short distance between their building and the next one in the direction of the tower. Hiei and Altaïr were too stunned to move as she dashed fearlessly from rooftop to rooftop. They were only roused to action when they heard the harsh cries of the Templar guards demanding that Parker halt and state her business.

"This can't end well," Altaïr groaned. "Women, I swear…"

Hiei chuckled and they dashed after the girl. Hiei paused just long enough to watch Parker somersault through the crossfire of two different bows and arrows, then continued after her. She had stopped at a rooftop that had too great a distance between itself and the nearby tower for her to leap across.

"Silly girl, she'll have to climb down now unless she's foolhardy enough to take on some Templar guards," Altaïr grumbled. But Parker had other ideas. She reached to her waist and pulled out a black cord, made a loop at one end, and swung the cord in the direction of the tower. To the shock of all the men (including the Templar guards) watching her, she looped a beam extending from the tower on her first try. She pulled the cord taunt and made sure it was attached snugly to her belt.

"Oh what the hell is she doing?" Hiei asked aloud. They were almost close enough to yell to her, but he and Altaïr didn't want to attract the attention of the Templar guards any sooner than necessary. Parker stood on the edge of the rooftop and Hiei realized what she was going to do a split second before she did it. "Oh shit…"

Parker took a few steps backwards, then dashed to the edge with a loud whoop of delight. The cord held and she swung all the way across the gap between rooftop and tower, kicked her foot against the tower for a moment, and continued her arc all the way to the rooftop where Altaïr said his hideout was. Landing safely, she pumped her fist in the exhilaration of victory.

"I'm sure as hell not going her way," Altaïr said. "There's a slightly easier way over here, all we have to do is get past some Templar guards."

"You do that. I'll get across on my own," Hiei said. Before Altaïr could question him, Hiei took several steps backwards, then dashed at his maximum speed to the edge of the roof and jumped, hitting the tower easily and jumping again without losing momentum to land on the next rooftop directly next to Parker. She looked at him approvingly.

"That was excellent. I wish I had those skills."

"It comes with being a fire demon."

"Cool. Why didn't you just use your fire demon powers to destroy everyone?"

"Because I was trying not to attract more attention to our group. You seem to have thrown that out the window, but it's still much easier to explain a psycho girl who goes swinging on ropes over rooftops than to explain how I can shoot fire from my hands and destroy this entire goddamn city."

"You can do that?"

"Oh yeah."

"That's amazing."

"Whatever."

As they talked, they watched Altaïr's progress. It was swift. He took out the few Templar guards in his way as though they weren't even there and was on the roof with them in no time. He led them to a trapdoor concealed behind several crates and they dropped down into his home.

It had the rundown feel of a temporary headquarters for a person who was too busy, or didn't care enough, to keep it clean. The windows were boarded up and the rooms were dim and dusty. The only real signs of life were some clothes lying on a bench, a well-used mattress with some blankets draped untidily over it, and a few dirty dishes in the kitchen area. And then there were the flags.

Every surface of the walls was covered with flags. Some were haphazardly hung up while others had been carefully arranged to form elegant mosaics. Even in the mottled light they were beautiful and seemed to be the one part of his home that Altaïr took some pride in.

"This is amazing," Parker gasped. "I doubt it's actually worth much, but it looks incredible."

"So where's the flag that we came for?" Hiei demanded, ignoring his own feelings of delight.

Altaïr walked to the far wall and carefully detached a flag. Instead of showing any signs of fading or wear like the other flags in the room, this flag seemed to glow and didn't show a single sign of aging. He folded it up and handed it over to Hiei.

"I'm awfully sorry to part with this flag. It was the jewel of my collection. But as the Brotherhood would say, the missions must come before any material possessions, and if your friends were serious about carrying out their threat to have me arrested… this flag is a small price to pay for my freedom, even if it is the rarest gem of flags. The Brotherhood is my life and I need to carry out my mission to destroy the Templar."

"We understand and we're grateful for your help. Ryouko and Himizu may seem like strange girls, but believe me when I say that we have great need of this flag, otherwise we would never have troubled you for it," Hiei said with a small bow as he accepted the flag from Altaïr. Parker looked unsure of what to do, so she settled for nodding her head respectfully. Altaïr nodded curtly.

"Do you need help returning to your friends?"

"No, we should be able to make it on our own. Thank you again for your help," Hiei said.

"It was my privilege," Altaïr replied. He escorted them back to the roof and when Hiei and Parker turned after they'd leapt over two buildings, they saw Altaïr watching them from the tower.

"I'm surprised by how respectful you were to him. He seemed like the sort of person who would rub you, or anyone, the wrong way," Parker said.

"He's an assassin and committed to his cause. His honor and duty clearly mean everything to him. I have to respect that. If these things aren't respected, there is no reason to respect anyone at all. He and I aren't really that different anyways," Hiei said.

"How so?"

"Don't worry about it."

Parker frowned slightly, but she didn't have time to puzzle out his enigmatic mutterings unless she wanted to be left behind, and her proud heart wouldn't let her. The pair leapt onto another building, and suddenly found themselves surrounded by seven Templar guards.

"Oh hell," Hiei groaned. "How good are you at fighting?"

"Not very…" Parker admitted.

"Shit…" Hiei groaned, drawing his katana. "Do you even have a weapon?"

"No… well… I have my grappling hook. That would hurt."

Hiei groaned. These guards clearly meant business. He couldn't count on Altaïr's help since he couldn't see the assassin anymore and had no reason to believe that the assassin could see their predicament either. "I suppose I should have accepted his offer as an escort."

"Altaïr took on several of these guys single-handedly while we were climbing that wall," Parker pointed out.

"That doesn't help. He had his back to a wall so they couldn't get behind him and he was only really worrying about himself. I have to worry about you and the flag."

"I see…"

"Okay, listen, I'll give you the flag, then I'll attack these two guards to my 2 o'clock. While I do that, you bust past them and run like all the demons in hell are after you. I'll catch up when I can."

"This sounds an awful lot like you're sacrificing yourself for me. I don't like it."

"Don't get any ideas. I'm sacrificing myself for the flag and for all the people stuck in that cursed bookstore. We don't have a choice right now. Just wait for my signal."

Parker let out a startled cry as one of the Templar guards, apparently tired of listening to the two foreigners babble in their strange language, took a swing at them with his broad sword. Hiei turned and barely had time to block the swing with his katana. The rest of the Templar guards took this as a signal to all attack. Hiei shoved the bundled-up flag towards Parker and she grabbed it and held it close as she pulled out her grappling hook and prepared to battle her way out. Hiei stood back to back with her and prepared to go down fighting.

Out of nowhere, one of the Templar guards pitched forward, three shuriken embedded in his back and neck. Parker, Hiei, and the Templar guards all stared at the fallen body before Hiei said what was surely on all their minds.

"What the fuck?"

"You know, I really don't think Ryouko and Himizu were planning on having you die for the cause. I think Ryouko in particular will be very pissed if Hiei dies."

Everyone turned and saw the masked silver-haired figure of Kakashi standing nearby watching them.

"What the hell are you doing here and why didn't you step in earlier?" Hiei yelled at him.

"The girls sent me. They hated to admit it, but they liked Eliot's idea of sending me along too, so they told me to stay out of sight and just make sure that you got back okay. So I waited until the last possible moment where I thought getting back okay was not an option."

"Your motivations irk me, but since you're here, get the hell over here and help me kick these guys' asses," Hiei said. Kakashi didn't appear to move but suddenly he was right next to Hiei and Parker. Before Parker had a chance to react, Kakashi had scooped her up, swooped back to his original position, sat her on her feet again, and swooped right back next to Hiei in perfect battle position. The fight was brief; the Templar guards were badly outmatched by the ninja master and the fire demon. When it was over, they rejoined Parker and headed off to the bookstore, staying on the rooftops in order to avoid the startled looks from the citizens of the town, as well as further encounters with the Templar guards. As they neared the bookstore, they found themselves having to pass another tower with no ledges to rest on. Kakashi pointed to the east.

"Over there is how I followed you. It's a little longer route, but much safer to jump across. Come on."

"You guys go ahead," Parker said, pulling out her black cord. Kakashi looked surprised. He had apparently missed Parker's last adventure. Hiei shrugged and nodded to Kakashi.

"Let her go. Lead the way."

Kakashi looked as though he was about to protest, but he saw something in Parker's eyes that made him change his mind. So they bounded off on their own safer route while Parker cheerfully defied both death and gravity while swinging across to the safety of the building on the other side of the tower. The trio took off at a dead run sailing over the gaps between buildings until they reached Dusty Pages and they all vaulted through an open third story window. They were all surprised to see both Eliot and Hardison standing there.

"Okay, I expected to see you here," Kakashi said, nodding towards Eliot. "You seemed pissed that you couldn't go along. But what's the nerd doing here?"

Hardison ignored the ninja and focused his attention on Parker. "What the hell were you thinking going out there with those guys? They didn't need a thief, that creepy assassin guy Eliot was telling me about was going to hand over the flag without a problem."

"I went because I wanted to," Parker snapped, pulling the flag out of her jacket.

"That's a terrible reason," Hardison exclaimed.

"It's never bothered you much before," Parker pointed out, glaring at him. "Why are you being so over-protective all of a sudden?"

"Because… because…look, this isn't our normal territory, okay? I just think you ought to be a little more careful." He barely registered the fact that Hiei had taken the flag from Parker, and that he, Kakashi, and Eliot had walked away, leaving the two of them alone to talk.

"I know how to take care of myself," Parker reminded him.

"I don't know about that sometimes. You're the best thief I've ever had the privilege of working with, and you seem to live life so fully, but at the same time you're as innocent as a child and I feel like it would be so easy for someone to trick you and hurt you… and I couldn't handle that. I really care about you and I don't want to see you hurt."

Parker didn't know what to say. She had known that Hardison was attracted to her, and she had been attracted to him for a while, but this confession seemed like more than plain old attraction. It was something much deeper, something that she had witnessed between other people but never experienced for herself. She struggled to find a way to deal with the knowledge of how he felt about her, and the strange feelings that were awakening for him.

Hardison waited to see what she'd say next. He hadn't planned to say any of these things, but when he'd walked into the bookstore and Eliot had told him that she had gone off to retrieve the flag and she hadn't come back for so long, he'd become terrified by the thought of her dying without understanding how he really felt about her. Their flirtations had been casual for so long that it had become routine and he had begun to wonder if they would ever get out of the rut, but he'd never planned on moving things along so fast and forcing her to make a decision. Now rejection seemed like a real possibility, especially considering the storm that seemed to be brewing behind her green eyes.

"I don't know what to say," she said finally. "I'm not used to people caring about me. Not like this. I know Nate and Sophie and even Eliot worry about me and want to keep me safe, but I feel like you're saying something different and I like it and I want to feel the same way, but I'm not sure if I do. My feelings are all such a blur right now."

Hardison breathed a sigh of relief. "That's okay. I would've been surprised if you had been sure right now. Take your time and figure out how you feel. I just want you to know that I'm here for you."

Tears gathered in Parker's eyes, making them sparkle. She took a hesitant step towards him and he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. She rested her head against his shoulder and her arms tentatively looped around him. They held each other close for a few moments, then let go and smiled nervously at one another.

"We should go see what Ryouko and Himizu think our next move should be," he said finally.

"You're right," she agreed, nodding resolutely. Hardison glanced sideways at her, wondering if these few moments would stay with her, if she would mull them over in her mind; or if, like a child, she would forget about them in a few minutes and move on to the next distraction. Then he heard Risu screaming.

"RYOUKO! HIMIZU! WHERE ARE YOU USELESS GIRLS? I WANT US TO LEAVE THIS PLACE! NO ONE READS IN THIS SHITTY BACKWARDS ANCIENT CITY! LET'S GO SOMEWHERE PROFITABLE!"

Hardison and Parker glanced at each other, then laughed as they hurried to the break room so they wouldn't get left behind. They got to the door just as Ryouko and Himizu arrived. They seemed rather pleased.

"The flag spark a brainwave?" Hardison asked them.

"Not really. We were actually kind of distracted because the Greek god was here getting coffee and he's so unbearably sexy that we can't think of anything else the entire time he's in our line of sight," Himizu said. Ryouko nodded in agreement. They walked into the break room and found an odd sight. Eliot was in the kitchen, but instead of being at the stove cooking something delicious for dinner, he was standing at the sink giving Dogbert a bath. Parker started giggling, Ryouko and Himizu fell over laughing, and even Hardison couldn't stop himself from grinning. The little white dog was being roughly scrubbed with a brush and he kept pawing at the edge of the sink, clearly seeking his glasses which were lying on a towel halfway across the counter.

"Wow Eliot, when we told you to give Dogbert a bath, we had no idea that you would take the job so seriously," Ryouko managed to exclaim between giggles.

"Dear God, help me!" Dogbert cried out. "I've already ruined his credit rating, I've had his car towed and replaced with a Peel P50, I've rung up $10,000 in long-distance phone calls on his cell phone, I've credited him with inventing the Facial Flex AND the Hawaii Chair, plus I've hired six hit men to have him brutally murdered. But he just does not stop! He killed all the hit men and the rest of the stuff I did doesn't seem to bother him in the least. I'm begging you, save me!"

"Shut up, dog! I told you that you were getting a goddamn bath, and you're going to get one! Now stop wiggling, you're almost clean!"

Ryouko and Himizu had fallen to the ground, doubled over and helpless with laughter. Kakashi looked vaguely amused, Reid was smiling, Hiei was rolling his eyes, Kurama was hiding laughter, Sweets was looking torn between psychoanalyzing everyone's reactions and laughing himself, and even Sasuke and Pengin were in the room sharing in the laughter. Finally Eliot pulled the dog out of the sink, finished rinsing him off, and handed him a towel. Dogbert let out an indignant huff, wrapped himself in the towel, jumped off the counter, and stomped off to sulk. Eliot began to clean up, but stopped as his eyes fell on Parker and Hardison.

"Why are you guys holding hands?" he asked.

Parker and Hardison guiltily dropped each other's hands. "No reason," they said at the same time. Eliot glanced at them suspiciously, but let the subject dropped. Even though Ryouko and Himizu exchanged amused glances, they didn't say a word either and when Sweets opened his mouth, Himizu threw a boot at his head. And the rest of the evening was quiet and uneventful.

* * *

A/N: In case you were wondering, a Peel P50 is a tiny little three-wheeled car and the idea of Eliot squeezing himself into one of those was too hilarious to pass up. I think that car was featured on the show Top Gear, but I could be confusing it with some other miniature tri-car.

Also, I heart the pretzels! Hehehehehe… For anyone who is not as obsessed with Leverage as I am, "pretzels" is kind of the show's code word for Hardison and Parker's little relationship. Long story, but it's so cute and adorable and pretzels. Obviously I wrote this chapter before they became official. That was a happy day.


	12. Red vs Blue

Chapter 12: Red vs. Blue

Disclaimer: I own only Dusty Pages and my OC's. Nothing else.

The next morning everyone woke up to Risu screaming like a banshee. Everyone beat a path to the break room door, where they all screeched to a halt and stood transfixed.

The building was now only one story instead of the three stories. The break room was still located in the center, and was also the only part of the building that had opaque walls. The rest of the walls, which seemed very far away since the square footage of their building was now sprawling across a single story, were made of a green-tinted translucent glass. Somehow the store had also managed to incorporate some of the landscape around them so that the floor was made of grass and dirt and a whole wall was lined with the wall of a cliff with a pair of waterfalls gracing either end of the store.

"Holy crap… this place is amazing now! Whatever is cursing the store has one hell of a sense of interior design!" Himizu exclaimed. Ryouko nodded.

"Some of the worlds that we get to visit are just beautiful."

"But is it worth not being able to watch TV?"

"Is it worth not being able to read books?"

"Oh hell no, not even close!"

"Exactly."

Kurama waited patiently for them to stop talking. "Excuse me, but do either of you happen to know where we are?" he asked them. This made the girls pause and look around more closely.

"No idea," Ryouko said finally.

Himizu was frowning. "I… don't… know… something about this place… seems familiar… But I can't quite place it…"

"What in Sam Hill is this place? Grif, go in and see if there are any booby traps!" someone yelled in a very heavy Texas accent.

"Why do I have to go in there? Send the ass-kissing lackey in there instead!"

"Then he might die and then I'd be left alone with you and Donut, and I can't stomach that. Simmons, shoot Grif if he's not in that building in five seconds."

"It would be a pleasure sir!"

"You know what, fuck you guys!"

Himizu turned and stared in the direction of the voices. "Oh man, I know where we are now… and I know why Risu was screaming. We're in Blood Gulch… the Red vs. Blue universe."

"Oh… this could prove interesting…" Ryouko muttered. Then they heard voices coming from the opposite direction.

"Church! This building was not here before! What should we do?"

"Nothing, retard! We don't have to do anything with it!"

"Church, you lazy asshole! There could be cool weapons in there! We have to investigate!"

"I have a weapon I'd like you to investigate! Bow chicka bow wow!"

"Tucker, shut the fuck up! That was the worst line ever!"

"Oh great… Red Team at one door, Blue Team at the other door… this is a disaster just begging to happen…" Himizu groaned.

"Am I the only one wondering why we suddenly have two doors in the store?" Kurama asked.

"YES!" Ryouko and Himizu both yelled at him. Kurama sweatdropped.

"Right, I forgot your mantra, don't question the store."

"Aw gee Sarge, it looks like the door is locked. I guess we can't get in after all and can get back to our usual agenda of nothing."

"And let the Blues have this place for themselves? Over your dead body, Grif! Wait, that sounds like a fantastic idea. Over Simmons' dead body! He's more valuable."

"Thank you sir!"

"Shut up kiss-ass, stop encouraging him!"

"Hiei, go look around and see if you can find anything useful around here while we go see what Risu is up to!" Ryouko commanded as she and Himizu sprinted off in the direction of Risu's maniacal laughter. Hiei had a 'why me' look on his face, but surprisingly he did as he was told.

Risu was running back and forth down the center of the store, staring at Teams Red and Blue while laughing like a nut. Her two employees finally caught up with her.

"Risu-san, what are you doing?" Himizu asked. Risu pointed wildly at the Blue Team while still laughing. Ryouko and Himizu both turned to see if they were doing anything besides standing there arguing. They weren't, so they turned back to Risu, only to find that she was now a 5-year-old. With a potty mouth in case you haven't noticed that already.

"I'm gonna kidnap those fuckers! Kidnap them and torture them, both physically and mentally! Probably not sexually though," the girl said with a psychotic smile on her face. "They will still be my bitches though."

"Bullshit... Ahem… Anyways… Risu-san… why?" Ryouko and Himizu exclaimed together.

"Because it's fun as hell and I'm completely fucking crazy!" the girl replied, still running back and forth in the middle of the store. "Do not question me, you fucking imbeciles!"

"Risu-san, why do you swear so much more when you're a child then when you're an adult?" Himizu asked.

"Shut the fuck up, whore!" Risu screamed, turning and running away, jumping over a table, and landing on Kiba, making him yelp and start running away with her riding him. Himizu got an offended look on her face.

"I'm a whore now? Says the woman who acts like she has a giant orgy in her bedroom with like 20 guys or something, plus that fucking cat…"

"She didn't mean it personally, she just wanted to insult you," Ryouko told her as they watched the girl pull a riding crop out of nowhere and start smacking Kiba with it. At that moment, Hiei appeared next to them.

"I found something. It's some weird light thing that's emitting an odd energy. It's near the waterfall on that end," he said, pointing to the end of the store closest to the door the Red Team was standing at.

"That… makes sense actually… we have Blue Team's flag and we're in the RvB universe, so of course we have to put the flag in the energy beam," Himizu said, nodding wisely. Ryouko stared at her oddly.

"Have you been hanging out with Sweets? I thought you were mad at him."

Himizu shrugged. "It was surprisingly easy to distract him. I just started asking him questions about videogames and suddenly I couldn't shut him up. But at least it got him to stop asking me about my mental disorders."

The trio hurried over to the energy beam and looked it over. Then Ryouko and Himizu looked at each other and said, "We need a distraction."

Ten minutes later, Hardison, Sweets, and Eliot were standing awkwardly in the middle of the store wearing something that looked vaguely like Blue Team uniforms. Well, Eliot was feeling awkward. Hardison and Sweets were nerd-gasming again.

"So all you guys have to do is hang out around here and let the guys in red see you," Ryouko was explaining. "As soon as they figure out how to get in the building, just vanish back to the break room cuz hell is gonna break loose, Risu will see to that."

"Why are we doing this again?" Eliot asked.

"The Red Team will come in when they see that Blue Team has supposedly "captured" this "new building"," Himizu said, making air quotes as she spoke. "Then Risu will freak out and run to let the Blue Team in and then she'll be crazy for a while, giving us time to figure out what happens when we put this flag in the energy beam over there."

"And this will help us get home?" Eliot asked.

"That's the plan anyways," Ryouko said with a grin.

"Fine, I'm in. That's all you needed to say, you didn't need to go in crazy amounts of detail explaining the plan."

"Yes we did, shut up!" Ryouko exclaimed. "Now go complete your mission!"

Ryouko, Himizu, and Hiei busied themselves with some mindless task while Eliot, Hardison, and Sweets moseyed around in their fake blue uniforms. Sure enough…

"Damnit all, what did I tell you? The Blues found a way in and now they're going to get any of the stuff that's in there, like weapons! Or shotguns! Or more weapons!"

"Sarge, when have we ever done anything that resulted in us getting anything cool like… weapons?"

"Simmons, use Grif to bust down the door!"

"It would be a pleasure Sir!"

"Okay, okay, okay! Jeeze… the door is open, Sarge."

"Simmons, use Grif to bust down the door!"

"Uh… Sir…?"

"That's an order Simmons!"

"THE... DOOR… IS… OPEN… … … … … … … … … Sir."

"Simmons…"

The one in orange armor who was apparently named Grif uttered a groan of exasperation and strode through the open doorway (clearly he'd been lying when he said the door was locked, due most likely to his nearly terminal laziness), trailed by the one called Simmons in maroon armor, the one called Sarge in red armor, and a fourth guy in pink (NOT lightish red, as he says!) armor who had remained quiet throughout the discussion. As planned, Eliot, Sweets, and Hardison vanished into the depths of the bookstore, leaving the Red team strolling around and searching. Soon enough…

"Guys! Guys! I see them! The Reds! They are inside!"

"Shut up Caboose, you know they're not inside! They're lazier than we are!"

"Uh… Church… he's right…"

"What? Oh hell…"

"I'll bust the door down." And with that, the one in black armor burst through the door, wielding her weapon like she meant business.

"Oh hell, Tex…" groaned the one in cobalt armor who was apparently named Church. He followed her in, and he was followed by one in teal armor apparently named Tucker, one in blue armor apparently named Caboose, and one more in yellow armor who hadn't contributed anything to their earlier discussions. Once all of them were in the bookstore, an icy wind blew through, slamming the doors shut. An eerie laughter filled the store and all the Red vs. Blue soldiers froze, an unnamed dread racing through them. Then they started moving through the store, using considerably more caution this time. In the middle of the store, the two teams met.

"What were you morons thinking, deciding to come in here?" Sarge demanded, glaring at the Blue team.

"Us?" Church practically yelped. "We only came in here because we saw you imbeciles lurking around!"

"But we only came in here because we saw you guys in here first…" Simmons mused.

"That's not possible," Tex said flatly. "I busted in here because I saw you lugs sneaking around."

"Wait, why are we doing things like lurking and sneaking while you guys are just… here?" Grif wondered aloud.

"Because we're better than you," Church replied.

"Boy, you guys sure forgot about how creepy this place was real quick, didn't you?"

All of them turned around to see an adorable five-year-old child standing in front of them and watching them with large innocent eyes. There was a long silence.

"So this place isn't deserted after all," Tex mused. "What's a helpless little thing like you doing in a place like this?" The girl stared at them for a moment, then turned and ran off through the store. Without really knowing why, the entire Red vs. Blue group followed the little girl.


	13. Red vs Blue part 2

Chapter 13: Red vs. Blue part 2

A/N: A good chunk of this chapter and the next involves an AI found in the Halo/RvB universe, but I don't actually play Halo and there aren't any AIs quite like this one in the game anyways… so I sort of invented my own rules and Risu read this chapter and she said I wasn't messing anything up too badly, so… don't bite my head off if you don't think I did this "perfectly" or whatever. I tried.

Disclaimer: I only own my OC's and the bookstore, everything else belongs to people who are more awesome, talented, and wealthy than I am.

* * *

Seeing that Risu was completely distracted by the Red vs. Blue people, Ryouko, Himizu, and Hiei took off in the direction of the energy beam with the blue flag.

"What are we going to do if this doesn't do anything useful?" Ryouko asked.

"I have no idea… so hopefully it will do something," Himizu replied. They arrived at the energy beam and Himizu stuck the flag in it. They all waited for a tense moment, praying something would happen, but at first nothing appeared to have changed.

"That was… anticlimactic…" Ryouko said finally.

"Son of a bitch!" Himizu exclaimed, kicking the nearest bookshelf. Hiei, on the other hand, was staring at the nearby waterfall.

"Will you two imbeciles look around you?" he demanded in a low voice. Both girls snapped to attention and they realized that the waterfall had parted slightly. It was only a narrow gap; they would probably have to turn sideways to fit through it, but it was a gap that had not been there only moments before. The trio stepped through the gap in the waterfall and entered a small cave-like space in the rocks. Calling it a cave would have been giving the space too much credit since it wasn't much bigger than a decently-sized walk-in closet. The only item in the room was a battered-looking data crystal.

"Well… is this it?" Himizu wondered. Ryouko also looked puzzled. Himizu shrugged and reached out to grab the crystal. No sooner did her fingers touch it than it emitted an unearthly pale blue glow and then a 3D image was projected into the cave. The image was a middle-aged man. He was scrawny with shaggy hair and deep lines etched in his face from years of care or worry, and he was dressed in the style of some ancient society. He stared around in puzzlement.

"Where is this?" he demanded. His outline briefly became fuzzy, as though some static was interfering. Then he faded until he was nearly invisible, then appeared again. "Where is this place? Where is Catalina?"

"Who is Catalina? Who are you? Where did you come from?" Ryouko exclaimed. The man stared at her, then stared down at his own hands.

"What has happened to my body? I don't understand…"

"Oh Christ… what do we do?" Himizu groaned. "What do we do, what do we do, what do we do?"

"Take it to Sweets and Hardison I guess…" Ryouko said slowly.

"And how exactly are we going to smuggle this past Risu?"

"Ugh…"

The problem solved itself a short time later when the AI snapped in and out of view a few times before fading away altogether. Himizu quickly grabbed the crystal and stuffed it in her pocket. "Come on, let's go!" she exclaimed. No sooner had they plunged back through the waterfall then the waterfall resumed its normal path, covering the gap. Ryouko grabbed the Blue Team flag and stuffed it out of sight, and all of them fled to the break room.

Arriving at the door, they found child-Risu wearing a white dress and skipping in circles around the RvB teams, throwing flowers on their heads. She was also singing a childish sounding song, but if you listened closely they were actually the lyrics to multiple My Chemical Romance songs sung in backwards Pig Latin… for some reason…

Himizu and Ryouko approached cautiously, while Hiei snuck around all of them and vanished into the break room. "Uh… Risu-san… what the hell are you doing?" Himizu asked finally.

"Welcoming our new guests!" the girl exclaimed, turning and smiling at them. Ryouko frowned.

"Why are you wearing a white dress and why do you have flowers in your hair and why are you throwing flowers on these guys? Where did you get all these damn flowers anyways?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" the tiny child said, giggling maniacally while somehow keeping an angelic appearance.

To make the whole situation even more interesting, Sasuke and Pengin appeared. "We have no customers!" Pengin whined when the three girls glared at him. "All the people that live in this universe are right freaking here! We might as well be doing something… fun."

"Right… I don't think we want to hear your definition of the word 'fun'," Himizu said dryly. "Just don't get too bored and kidnap one of the straight guys to molest."

"Aww, but that totally sounds fun," Pengin whined. "Besides, surely there must be some sexually confused or ambiguous man open to experimentation… we just need to find that man. Especially if he is fine-looking."

"Also not goth," Sasuke chimed in. "Both of us are already goth, getting a third goth guy would just look so wrong. Maybe one of those flamboyant guys that likes to dress in tons of bright colors."

Risu's eyes lit up and she jumped into the air and pounced on the pink-armored Donut. "Here, this guy can be your victim! He's sexually confused, very flamboyant, definitely needs to get some action, and also has many fantasies about being the victim of some hot nasty violent rape."

"Wait, what?" the entire RvB group chorused.

"Um… I agree with almost everything she said, but I don't remember any rape fantasies being part of the show…" Himizu muttered, mostly to herself at this point since Risu sure wasn't listening.

Pengin and Sasuke turned to stare at Donut, who clearly had no idea what to do. Then the two boys grabbed the pink-armored guy and dragged him into the break room. There was an awkward silence as child-Risu stood and smiled at all of them. Then she turned her attention to Grif and Simmons.

"As for you two… you fight like an old married couple."

"Yeah, that's been pointed out," Simmons muttered.

"By retards," Grif added. Risu snorted.

"Yeah… right… well those people are correct and you are the one who is retarded. And to prove it, I'm locking you and Simmons in a closet."

"How is that going to help?" Grif asked.

"You need to think about what you've done."

"We haven't done anything."

"EXACTLY!" Risu screamed, somehow seeming to grow 20 feet in a moment. Then she shrank back down to her normal tiny size. "CLONE TROOPERS!" Several clone troopers appeared. "Throw these men into one of the unused closets and lock the doors. I don't want them escaping!" And the tiny girl laughed maniacally as the two men were dragged away. The laughter stopped abruptly and she studied the rest of the armored people in front of her. Ryouko and Himizu just stood off to the side with their arms crossed. The expressions on their faces plainly said 'I want no part in this lunacy…'

"Now hang on a second, I know I should be thrilled that you single-handedly got rid of most of the Reds, but come on… this is just weird…" Church said, looking annoyed that he was the one stepping up to the plate instead of Sarge, who looked like he might be having a seizure behind his helmet. Risu stared at him as though he was a god… which the observant person may recall, she believed that he was.

"CHURCH! You are the greatest and most holy being of them all! I have built a shrine in your honor and you must come and see it and approve it and bless it! And then you must bless me and my minions, and by bless I mean… well, this really isn't for children to hear, so I will tell you later."

"Wait, aren't you the only child here?"

"That's what you think!" Risu shrieked, somehow managing to pick Church up and carry him into the break room. Everyone stared after her in horror. Then Tex and Tucker both jumped forward and chased after their leader/friend and his insane captor. All of them could hear Risu screaming for someone to close the damn door now before anyone else got in, and Ryouko and Himizu leapt into the break room and slammed the door behind them, leaving a totally baffled Sister, Caboose, and Sarge behind. Sister looked more disgusted than baffled actually.

"Well on one hand, at least my brother isn't here to pitch a fit whenever I act like a slut… on the other hand… I'm left with you two… this is going to be the worst threesome ever, and that includes the time I was with these two identical twins that were way more interested in each other than me."

"Wait, what?" Sarge squawked. Then he passed out on the floor. Caboose just stared, then ran into a nearby wall as the bookstore vanished around them.

Ryouko and Himizu leaned against the door to the break room for a moment before going to sit down on couches with the rest of the world-hoppers. Tex had burst into Risu's room following the deranged girl, but Tucker had come to a halt in the living room, taking stock of the rest of people in the room.

"Okay… I didn't like this before… but I really don't like it now… What the hell is going on here?"

"You're trapped in a cursed bookstore. We travel to different worlds from books and movies and TV shows. Also we move to a different world whenever all four of the real employees are in the break room and the door is closed. Those four being myself, Ryouko here, Pengin, and Risu," Himizu explained quickly.

"Seriously?" Tucker yelled.

"Also, all these people are like you, they ended up here when we went to a different world and we're trying our damndest not to leave anyone in the wrong world, but it's really getting hard to keep track of people," Ryouko complained.

"So have we gone to a different world at this point?" Tucker asked finally.

"Yep," Himizu and Ryouko said, keeping smiles on their faces the whole time. Tucker face-palmed and groaned.

"Damnit, why did I have to come try to rescue Church? I could have just stayed at home. Maybe I finally could've gotten together with Sister for some bow chicka bow wow."

"Well you should've thought of that before!" Ryouko said cheerfully. "But hey, you have us for company now!"

"I'll try to contain my excitement," Tucker said dryly. At that moment, Gaara walked in wearing a Roman-style toga and carrying a roll of parchment.

"Ahem," he said in an official voice. "I have been authorized by our supreme ruler, Lady Risu, to read off the official commandments of Church, as penned by the great Church himself just a few moments ago."

"Please tell me he's kidding…" Tucker groaned.

"I doubt it. First of all, this dickhead has no sense of humor," Himizu said. "Second, he's Risu's number one bitch and he does everything she tells him to do, so… yeah, I can totally see her doing this."

(A/N: Definitely just typed "see her dong"… Good lord that would be something wouldn't it? It would mean she's keeping serious secrets from all of us!)

"Ahem!" Gaara exclaimed, glaring at his audience. "Now, the commandments of Church. Commandment one… Shut the fuck up."

"But we weren't talking," Kakashi pointed out. Gaara glared at the nin master.

"That was the commandment. To shut the fuck up. May I continue?"

"Please do. This should keep us entertained for weeks," Ryouko said with a snicker.

"Commandment two… Leave me the hell alone."

"That won't be hard since he'll be locked up in Risu's room being sexually tortured," Himizu said dryly.

"Bow chicka bow wow?" Tucker said uncertainly.

"Sure, why not!"

Gaara rolled his eyes. "Commandment three… See commandment two. Goddamnit Caboose, see commandment two!"

"But Caboose isn't even here. This commandment is retarded," Tucker said, clearly gaining courage since the rest of the group was openly mocking the new rules.

At this point, Gaara gave up trying to make them all be serious. "Commandment four… Goddmanit Caboose, get back in the base and stop messing with the vehicles. They don't like you! If you get in the tank and shoot me again, I swear to Me that I will smite you!"

"That… is an oddly specific commandment…" Eliot said.

"Commandment five… Don't mess with Tex. That's not so much a commandment as a piece of advice. It's just easier for all of us. I'm getting tired of stepping over the bodies of people she's pummeled, it's just plain annoying."

"Um, that's actually a really smart commandment and you guys should probably listen to it… just saying," Tucker said, glancing nervously at the door behind Gaara as though the lady in question would appear with a grenade and destroy every last one of them.

"Commandment six… Red Team is gay. Just look at them. Not a single one of them has a straight bone in their body."

Everyone in the room burst into hysterical laughter at that point.

"Commandment seven… Stop fucking aliens! No more devils spawns! Goddamnit Tucker!"

Now everyone except Himizu, who knew the story, turned to stare at Tucker. He flinched.

"Look, it's a long story… there was this alien… and he said there was this quest… and there was this sword..."

"Bow chicka bow wow," Himizu whispered.

"No, not like that, you idiot!" Tucker exclaimed. "And don't steal my phrase! Anyways, long story short, I was basically raped and I ended up giving birth to an alien hybrid baby named Junior and if you mess with him I will fucking destroy you."

"Alrighty then," was the collective response from everyone else.

"Commandment eight… Blue rules, Red sucks!"

"That's a stupid commandment too… what is this guy's problem?" Eliot wondered.

"Risu probably forced him to make these up in just a few seconds," Ryouko pointed out.

"Commandment nine… Goddamnit Caboose, I am not your best friend, I have never been your best friend, and I will never be your best friend, so leave me the hell alone!"

"Once again, he's not freaking here…" Hardison muttered.

"Seriously, be grateful for that," Tucker insisted.

"Commandment ten… Who the fuck says there need to be ten commandments? You know what, screw it, I'm gonna go eat Ho Ho's."

"Wow… really? This guy must be crazy…" Parker mused.

"Commandment eleven… Stop killing me! I know I said I wasn't gonna make any more commandments, but goddamnit this just needs to be said! STOP… KILLING… ME!"

"And the fact that he needs to make this commandment is a sad testament to just how shitty this dude's luck is," Himizu said with a grin. "Now is that all?"

Gaara nodded. Then the entire room burst into hysterical laughter. Risu exploded into the room (as a 20-something woman finally).

"Do I hear people blaspheming the great Lord Church?!" she demanded.

"Um, only if you consider us laughing our asses off at his commandments to be blasphemy," Ryouko said. Risu paused to consider this.

"Well… they are pretty funny… I'll make sure that Church forgives you this time. But you will all still need to be bludgeoned with the great rubber chicken of pain, suffering, peace, and love!" And with that she leapt into the middle of the group and hitting them all willy-nilly with said rubber chicken, sending everyone running for cover from the insane girl.


	14. Chapter in the Break Room

Chapter 14: A chapter that takes place entirely within the break room… for once

Disclaimer: I only own the store and my OC's. Nothing else!

After Risu and her rubber chicken of pain, suffering, peace, and love vanished into her room again, everyone waited curiously to hear what Ryouko, Himizu, and Hiei had discovered in the Red vs. Blue universe.

Himizu pulled out the data crystal. "We found this. There's something weird about it though. It projects a 3D image of some dude… but there seems to be something wrong with it, it keeps flickering and acting all… static-y and junk."

Hardison and Sweets peered at the data crystal. "Well this is definitely different than the last one you found… this one is designed to store an AI while the other one just contained an image. I don't know if my machine will work on this one," Hardison said.

"Plus it's really old and damaged. We might never get all the information off of it that we want," Sweets said, turning the crystal over carefully.

They all sat there for a moment until the crystal emitted a faint blue light and then the image of the scrawny man appeared again.

"Where am I now? This isn't right… Where is Catalina? Hasn't anyone seen her?" the man pleaded.

"Who is Catalina?" Himizu asked. The man stared at her for a long moment, the pain of loss etched deeply into his face.

"My daughter… where is my daughter?"

"There's no one here named Catalina," Sweets said gently. The man uttered a low groan.

"No, she must be here… my daughter is here… she's here in our home… Tia said everything would be fine, but Catalina is gone… Where is she?"

"Who's Tia?" Eliot asked.

"Tia… Tia… my wife… She took our baby girl away and I don't know where she is… Please help me find her." The image faded in and out, and his next words were garbled by static.

Hardison shook his head. "It's a memory. And it's badly damaged. I think this guy was fairly old when he made this and the memory wasn't complete to begin with, but there's something else wrong. I need to modify the image analyzer and run some tests to figure it out though."

After a few more minutes of them trying to gain more clues from the faded memory, the blue light flickered and the image vanished. Hardison, Sweets, and Parker retreated to the bathroom with the image analyzer and began to try to modify it to extract and repair data from the crystal. Meanwhile everyone else remained in the living room, talking and watching TV. Reid thought about volunteering to help with the image analyzer (to secretly sabotage it of course) but he realized that the resident nerds would be smart enough to fix any changes he might make and that this would only make him look suspicious. So he sat back and listened to the chatter and planned to tell Risu about the new development.

After a while, Pengin, Sasuke, and Donut walked into the living room. Donut seemed rather dazed and sat down without trying to speak to anyone. However he didn't seem to mind when Pengin and Sasuke sat down next to him. Ryouko and Himizu engaged Pengin in some brief shop talk before they all lapsed into silence as Kurama flipped through channels trying to find a TV show that everyone could agree on. After a few minutes of this silence, Pengin cleared his throat.

"So… two gay guys walk into a bar…"

"STOP! STOP! STOP!" Ryouko hollered. "I already know which joke it is and I don't want to hear them again! This would be the 99,457th time I've heard this joke! ENOUGH ALREADY!"

Pengin snorted. "You're lying; you don't know which joke it is! I have over five hundred thousand jokes in my repertoire!"

"And yet I still know what the punch line for this joke is!" Ryouko told him triumphantly.

"LIAR!" Pengin yelled at her, looking ready to start a catfight if things continued. Sasuke placed a restraining hand on Pengin's arm and Pengin shot a quick smile at the nin and grabbed his hand.

"I'm not lying!" Ryouko said firmly. "It was Scotsman on a horse, wasn't it?"

"... … … … HOW DID YOU KNOW?!" Pengin cried, looking stunned and horrified.

Ryouko smirked triumphantly. "Because I can read your micro-expressions. I know the exact combination of micro-expressions that you make for every single one of your jokes!"

Himizu pulled out a calculator, a pencil, and several pieces of paper, muttering to herself the whole time.

"You're lying!" Pengin cried. "It was a lucky guess! You know it's my favorite joke! Here's another one. Two gay guys walk into a bar…"

Ryouko had a bored expression on her face as she answered him. "Michael Jackson's clam bake."

"… … … … LIES! Goddamnit!" Pengin shrieked.

Ryouko didn't dignify that with a verbal response, she just glared at the boy.

Pengin's eye twitched, then he crossed his arms, a slight pout on his face. "Fine… Two gay guys walk into a bar…"

"Water bottles filled with vodka and grape jelly," Ryouko replied.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Pengin yelled. "Two gay guys walk into a bar…"

"The Spanish Inquisition."

"Two gay guys walk into a bar…"

"A squirrel wearing the Pope's hat."

"Two gay guys walk into a bar…"

"And from that day on, no one ever drank Pepsi after midnight."

"Two gay guys walk into a bar…"

"They get run over by a cheese wheel."

"Two gay guys walk into a bar…

"Then the man's moustache was tickled to death by three green hedgehogs."

"Two gay guys walk into a bar…

"I won't repeat this punch line. Suffice it to say that necrophilia, bestiality, and fecalphilia all make an appearance."

"Two gay guys walk into a bar…

"Awkward tan lines."

"Two gay guys walk into a bar…

"And then the purple unicorn flew over the moon."

"Two gay guys walk into a bar…

"Trick question, you're not thinking of any of your jokes right now cuz you're so pissed off at me, you can't think about any of your jokes," Ryouko said with an evil grin on her face.

"GODDAMNIT!" Pengin yelled, stamping his foot.

Himizu looked up at them with a blank look on her face. She was now surrounded by worn-out pencil stubs and crumpled up pieces of paper, and for some reason she looked like she hadn't slept in a week. "You have listened to over 49,728,500,000 jokes about gay guys walking into bars since you two have worked together and you have not only memorized all the punch lines for each joke, you have also identified and memorized the facial expressions that go with each joke and punch line… how the fuck?!"

"We have a lot of free time around here… or we used to until you showed up and we started kidnapping people," Ryouko said with an innocent shrug.

Sometime later, Hardison came back into the room. "Well, good news and bad news folks."

"What's the good news?" Himizu asked.

"The good news is that we've mostly pieced together the fragmented memory. It's still not very complete, but it's the best we got and it makes a hell of a lot more sense than the nonsense he was spouting earlier."

"That's not just good news, that's fantastic news!" Ryouko exclaimed. "What could possibly be bad about this?"

"Well… that's the thing… this dude ain't the only memory the crystal is holding."

"You're kidding!" Kurama exclaimed softly.

"Nope… there are at least four or five other memories in there too. But the old guy, he's acting like a shield and keeping us from accessing those other memories. That's why he's so damaged. He's the one that's easiest to access, so he's been played and replayed so many times, he's just about wore out. Plus he's, you know, protecting the other memories. Keeping them from being erased or damaged and suchlike. So basically he's taken a bunch of damage from that too."

"So can you access the other memories?" Eliot asked finally.

"Not yet…" Hardison admitted. "The shield technique is holding up real well. It may take several days to get through it."

"But can we see this memory now?" Himizu asked finally.

"Sure, that's why I came to get you guys. Come have a listen."

They all trooped into the bathroom and watched the image. It still flickered, but the man in the image didn't have the lost confused look that he'd been wearing before. Indeed, he didn't even seem to notice the people crowding into the bathroom to stare at him.

"We accessed the part that was recorded. That was part of the damage, it actually made the memory aware of its surroundings, which mostly served to confuse the crap out of it. Sweets, start it up," Hardison said. Sweets did so, and after a moment the figure began to speak.

"My name is Amadeo. I own a small private library. My wife's name is Tia. We had a daughter, a beautiful girl named Catalina. She had many suitors, but my wife wanted to marry her off to the senator's son. But Catalina fell in love with a handsome young man that often came into the library and spent hours reading the scrolls. Catalina would always go and talk to him and help him find things he needed. Eventually she told us she was pregnant and would be leaving us to live with the young man, Lyceius. Tia flew into a rage and they fought. I left them alone to work it out. When I returned, Catalina was gone and Tia said that she had left to be with Lyceius. But a few days later, Lyceius returned to the library looking for Catalina. He said he hadn't seen her since she had spoken with us. When we confronted Tia, she threw Lyceius out of the library and told him to never come back. I know for a fact that he disguised himself several times to come and look for Catalina. But none of us ever saw her again."

Everyone sat frozen, listening with surprise to the story of the strange man who was now reduced to this faded memory.

"Finally Lyceius stopped coming and from that day on, my wife and I never aged a day. Then we started noticing odd things. It seemed that shelves in the library would move under their own power. One day, we stepped out of our little attic room to find that we were no long in the city we had always lived in. After that, the library would move every few years or so, often enough that no one ever noticed that we never aged. I turned the library into an actual store so that we could make money, but I noticed that Tia stopped leaving the store. She would always send me out to buy food and things."

"Sounds like our curse alright," Ryouko muttered grimly.

"It was probably at least 100 years later that we had another daughter, Madeline. She was just as lovely as Catalina and we doted upon her. When she was around 16 years old, I noticed that a young man who looked very much like Lyceius had started hanging around in the store and was paying a lot of attention to Madeline. Then Tia found out and the two of them were having a fight. I was in a different part of the store, but I could still hear them yelling at each other. Then I heard Tia shriek as though she were being torn apart by a thousand hands. I heard Madeline screaming too, and I started to go find her, but then everything became fuzzy and I found myself surrounded by a cloud of dust…"

A tinny female voice chirped, "End of memory. Please insert another memory to continue."

"Can't you move on to one of the other memories?" Himizu groaned softly.

"Afraid not…" Hardison said grimly. "We're gonna keep trying though."

"Good," Himizu said. "I have a feeling that these memories are exactly what we need to break this curse and get the hell out of here."


End file.
